Who's The Man: He's The Man

Secrets of a successful relationship, know your place.



I might not wear the pants, but i still get a certain pleasure out of taking them off!!

The Modern Fable of the Caged Monkeys

This is so true to life, it's scary. Anytime anyone says, "we've always done it this/that way show them this"

FIVE hungry monkeys were placed in a cage by a Pavlovian experimental psychologist, who then suspended a banana from the roof of the cage and placed a ladder directly below it. One of the monkeys soon approached the ladder in order to climb up to the suspended banana. Immediately the would-be climber touched the ladder, the psychologist sprayed all the monkeys in the cage with a torrent of ice water. Shortly, another monkey attempted the climb and once again the psychologist doused all the monkeys in the cage with ice water. He thereafter repeated this procedure whenever any of the monkeys touched the ladder. Eventually, in order to avoid further soakings, the monkeys began to cooperate so as to prevent any of their fellows from making further attempts to climb the ladder.

AT this stage, the psychologist turned off the ice water tap, removed one of the monkeys from the cage and replaced him with a naïve, equally hungry specimen who had not observed the preceding events. The new monkey, on catching sight of the banana, attempted to climb the ladder to reach it. To his amazement, he was unexpectedly and savagely attacked by the four remaining monkeys, who repeated their assaults on him whenever he approached the ladder, desisting only when he gave up further attempts.

THE psychologist then removed a second of the original monkeys from the cage and replaced him with yet another naïve, equally hungry specimen. The latest monkey introduced into the cage now also sought to climb the ladder to reach the banana, only to be assaulted like his predecessors. The previous newcomer was an enthusiastic participant in the attacks on the latest monkey introduced to the cage, until he too desisted from any further attempts to climb the ladder.

NEXT, the psychologist replaced a third monkey from the original group in the cage with yet another naïve, hungry specimen whose fate on approaching the ladder was identical to that of his predecessors. Soon the third replacement monkey also made no further attempts to obtain the banana. At this stage, two of the monkeys which attacked him had no idea why they were not permitted to climb the ladder, nor even why they were attacking the latest naïve monkey to be caged when he attempted to do so.

AFTER the psychologist serially replaced the fourth and fifth of the original occupants of the cage, none of the monkeys then remaining in the cage had been sprayed with ice water nor observed this happening to the original subjects. Nevertheless, none of the monkeys remaining in the cage at the conclusion of the experiment made any further attempts to climb the ladder to reach the suspended banana. So far as they knew, that was the way things had always been in their cage.

MORAL: Thus begin organisational policies.

Army Pay Rates 1967

This is self explanatory. I like the way that males were compensated for being married by being paid more. Almost makes marriage financially worthwhile wouldn't you say, although since i have never been married, I can't be the judge of that.

That's what's wrong with society these days, if we were compensated for staying with our spouses there would be much less divorce. I blame the defence department for the rising divorce rate, this is just more evidence that we live in a morally corrupt society. Bring back the cane, and compensate me for getting a wife and i will do my bit to populate Australia.

All that's missing is a sprog allowance for all the little kiddies, and i would have been a polygamist.

Trumpet Blower: P3 Orion Upgrade

Since there is no one out there willing to blow my trumpet, and believe me I've been looking for a while, i decided that a bit of self service is required.

One of my projects has hit the skies a few weeks ago, the upgrade of the RAAF AP-3C Orion fleet to include a Tactical Data link. It made the news in my little corner of the world, and was subsequently ignored by everyone, which is the way it should be. Anyway, this is one of the projects that i am currently managing.

Royal Australian Air Force (RAAF) AP-3C Orion aircraft are now even better placed to support Coalition operations in the Middle East, with the introduction of real time video links to support ground forces. The Tactical Common Data Link (TCDL) provides ground commanders a valuable real time aerial view of their surrounding environment.

Anyway, now that I've blown myself, i can get back to work. Was it good enough for you?

Ugly Aircraft

We're having an airshow on the weekend, two days of gawping at "Those Magnificent Men and their Flying Machines" I've volunteered, so i will be the respectable face of my company on Saturday afternoon.

Anyway, in commemoration, I had added some photos of some truly ugly aircraft for your viewing disgust. When it comes to ugly aircraft, historically the Russians have taken the title.

Anyway, more ugliness to follow, and possibly some pics of me looking respectable at the airshow, and pretending i know what the hell i am talking about.

Comments Galore: Thank You Beautiful Fans

Got my third comment today. Thank you fans, thank you fans, you're all beautiful. Of course one of them was the blogging equivalent of unsolicited junk mail:

"Buy this amazing powder and watch your muscles grow".

Idiot! I like my muscles just they way they are. In fact i have no need for muscles, except the one that counts, the one that gets commenter's like Kylie, see below, positively swooning. I am speaking of course of my brain.

Yes Minister: Opinion Polls

Anyway, apparently The ALP has an election winning lead, just like the last two elections. According to the latest opinion polls at least.

Kevin Rudd, Nose Pick

Apparently this little nugget is even more important that Kevin Rudd's policies, and could sound the death knell for his leadership aspirations. If it is, then we are all going to hell, and deserve to be there.

As an election stunt though, it shows a certain style and individuality that we should all aspire to.



I mean, it's not as if he is picking his nose, or farting in your general direction. I, like all other people who are appalled at this behaviour have never picked my nose, or farted in public. That would be too crass and common, and whilst I'm living in the world of the common people,

Where you can live in a love of the common people,
Smile from the heart of a family man.
Daddy's gonna buy you a dream to cling to,
Mama's gonna love you just as much as she can
and she can.

Sometimes I talk so much crap, i wonder how i can even live with myself. Breaking into song with eighties John Paul young Lyrics, there should be a law against it.

Great Debate

Looks like Labor won the great debate, at least that is what the consensus says. And I'm all for consensus', they are after all never wrong, just take global warming. Didn't bother watching the debate, I figured I would spend time with the lovely lass, doing things that are definitely unmentionable in this forum, and the worm could decide for me. Thank god for the worm, imagine if I'd actually had to think. Although I am a bit confused, cause the worm said Rudd, but the Automatic Vote-A-Matic says that I am a Liberal, with a hint of democrat. What to do?

Went to Kevin07.com.au, and as you can imagine, they are just giddy, even defining worm in Rudd's honour;

Worm stands for... written by Henry, October 22, 2007

W-orld O-f R-udd's M-uscle or W-elcoming O-ur R-udd M-use or W-ords O-f R-udd's M-ission

Worm stands for... written by Henry, October 22, 2007
W-eapon O-f R-udd's M-astery

I like the first definition, if it were true that is, we need more leaders with muscle, where have all the muscle bound leaders gone? Genghis Khan probably never had a tax policy! When the leadership death matches are on, muscles will count. We need more leaders in the Schwarts-an-ham-an-egg-an-burger mould. You can't lie about muscle whereas you can gloss over any bad points of your tax policy.

For Love or Boats?!

Listen baby girl, I ain't got a motorboat but I can float your boat.

The Way I Are by Timbaland (feat. Keri Hilson, D.O.E.)

This is the state of modern lyrical poetry, it's complete and utter crap, but i do agree with fine sentiment, if the boats worth floating then I'm interested. Girls without boats are just not interesting enough, they lack a certain depth of personality, and in fact are quite shallow. Marrying for love is a fine sentiment, but you can't measure love, which makes it either worthless or the most valuable thing on earth. With boats, there is no doubt, marry for love or boats it's your choice, with a boat least you know what you are getting.

The Monkey Done it.

Been reading the news on the web, and it appears the deputy mayor of new Delhi has been killed by a horde of crazy monkeys.

The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi died on Sunday after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.
SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys.

And we think we have problems here, with our Cane toads, at least they can't kill you, all they do is gross you out for a while, but then again, some people like them. I hear there are people that get high licking cane toads.

Anyway, in order to solve the monkey crisis, they have come up with a "killer solution"

One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus macaques.

It's like a monkey arms race. They replace one killer monkey, with another big, stronger, trained monkey. Wonder what will happen when the trained monkeys turn on the handlers. Religion is a funny thing I tell you;

Culling is seen as unacceptable to devout Hindus, who revere the monkeys as a manifestation of the monkey god Hanuman, and often feed them bananas and peanuts.

Essentially what they are saying is, we can't kill our god monkeys, that we feed bananas and peanuts, but we can hire and train big super ferocious monkeys to beat the living crap out of them. Well whatever keeps your god happy I suppose.

The Worm, or The Economy. You Decide

I am gonna make it official. The Liberals have won round one. Come on big Kev, show us what you got. Now for round two.

In other News, went to the Kevin07 web page, to get a feel for the priorities of the labor party, and there, front and center, was the worm.

Whereas at Liberal HQ, they're still harping on about the economy. As if that's actually important.

Week one, the worm, or the economy, it's all about priorities, I tell you. And I've got mine, it's beer o'clock.

Ciao Loco.

Engineerish or Gibberish

Spent a few productive days doing engineering type work. I had thought i was an ex engineer, turned project manager, but then i got contracted out to do engineering work. He moves in mysterious ways.

First stumbling block, reading Design Deviations and other proposals, and trying to pretend that the language I'm reading is English. It isn't, it's engineerish, which to the untutored eye is akin to gibberish. Must say something about me, that i no longer understand engineerish. Spent a whole day interpreting engineerish into English, so i can write a response, in English, which i then have to convert to engineerish, so my fellow engineers can understand me.

Numbers should not have letters in them people, just like words don't have numbers in them, unless you're talking algebra, and when was the last time you heard anyone talking algebra.

"Scuse me sir, could you direct me to the nearest toilet"

"Well my little sprog, let x = the distance from here to the corner. Walk 4x in an easterly direction, turn through 3y, where y represents 90 degrees, then walk ...."

It never happens. Engineerish is a language invented by nerds who think it makes them sound smart, thus attracting a certain type of girl. People, there aren't enough of that type of girl to make it worthwhile, and to the rest of us, you sound like a git.

Thanks god this is only a temporary contract, then I can go back to project management, which merely involves yelling and screaming at people, using appropriately colourful language until they accept that your point of view is the only one that counts.

Election Priorities

How are all you Aussies out there doin'.

Getting ready for the big election fight no doubt. I'm excited, I call it "free sh*t time", not election time. The names and faces might change, I don't care, as long as I get my "free sh*t".

Thinking I might start a family soon so I can get this baby bonus thing, buy a house so I can get a grant, and if labor gets in, I can fit it with solar panels, water tanks and other green initiatives to power my subterranean bunker in the event the big one gets dropped. In defence they think of nu-cular bombs as a whole lot of sunshine, so looking on the bright side, when the big one comes, I'll be able to power my bunker for months, based on the one surge that melts my solar panels, and then emerge into a world that is finally free of Capitalism, Globalisation, Overpopulation and Newcastle Knights supporters. It pays to, in the words of "Lord Baden Powell" Be Prepared! Of course this utopia will probably have other problems, like global hunger, poverty, disease (new exciting post nu-cular super viruses and bacteria), but at least we will have licked this whole Global Warming thing, which is the important thing, isn't it?!

Do you get the baby bonus if you adopt, or do I actually have to hold someones hand whilst she delivers our little bundle of lifetime expenses and commitment? Might be worth looking into!

Federal Erection Stunt .....

It's election time, time to let the blood run free. Most impressed with the free money (admittedly i had to earn it, then give it to them, so they can give it back free, but hey it's like the fifty bucks you find in your other pants) that the liberals have decided to throw in my direction. I like the smell, the feel, the texture of money. People say money can't buy you happiness, but I still reckon you can still have a lot of fun trying, or at least get distracted from any petty issues like, um mm, sadness.

Ball is now in the ALP's court, show me the money. Oh, and get Julia to mention the Karma Sutra again, I got a one track mind, which means I can't think about both the Karma Sutra and money at the same time. I suspect i might have gotten the wrong idea, but i like the idea of someone with more positions than the Karma Sutra. If you want my vote, you gotta listen to me, the number one constituent. Show me the the money, or show us your other electioneering assets.

Now that the erection has been called, it's time to pull out all the erection stunts.

Goin to Vegas

Going to Vegas, 45% of respondents think my best chance of getting a wife is to get drunk in Vegas and hope for the best. Wonder if i should take the new girlfriend along, or will she just complicate things. Things just aren't as simple as they used to be two months ago when all i had to worry about was myself.

Thank God for Non-Believers.

Apparently this is meant to be a fallow year for all Jewish personages. Every seven years, under Judaism the land is to lie fallow, to give it a breather, to allow it to recover. No crops are to be planted, and if you own orchards, you have to let the fruit fall naturally before you attempt eat it.

Makes you wonder how Jewish people survived. Well, wonder no more, it all comes down to who owns the land. This whole fallow thing applies only to Jews, obviously, so you can feel free to eat whatever has been planted, grown and harvested on the land of non-believer. Hey, and if you're a Jewish landowner, whose income and livelihood is threatened by year of fallowness, whilst the non-believing schmuck next door reaps what he sows, well there is a solution. Just sell your land to the non-believer for one dollar for one year, and for that year you can reap what he sows on your behalf. Thank god for non-believers.

I personally don't believe in any gods, but i like to think that if i did, he would be smart enough to see through this little bit of religio-political deception. Dunno I like my omnipotent, omni-cognisant gods to actually know whats going on.

Heard the one about usury, well apparently under Islam, usury is bad, can't go borrowing or lending money, which kind of makes certain things like buying a house or car difficult, you know without the ability to get a loan. Fear not, Islamic banks get around this by buying the car/house for you, renting it back to you for say 30 years (in the case of a house), and then at the end of that time they give you the house. Dunno about you but it sounds like a loan by any other name.

Sometimes i think we show an incredible lack of respect for the intelligence of our gods.

Automatic Vote-A-Matic

Just went to the news.com.au Vote-A-Matic machine thingy on the web.
Check it out here, apparently I'm a Liberal/National voter, with a hint of Democrats. Oh, well, I can forget all about the election now, "machine says Liberals", pity, i was looking forward to a few more election stunts before making my final choice.

Any of you guys find it funny that a web page that tells what your voting preferences are is titled "2007 You Decide," like I always say, "I can take a joke as well as the next guy!"

I Couldabeen A Politician

That's right, I Couldabeen a Polly, and a damn sight better one than these clowns. There's a time to blow your trumpet, and a time have "a nice mug of shut the f*ck up" Listen to these clowns:

FOUR days before the fifth anniversary of the Bali bombings which killed 88 Australians, Labor wants to spare the bombers from the death penalty. Opposition foreign affairs spokesman Robert McClelland last night attacked John Howard for supporting the death penalty for the bombers.

Robby, Robby, Robby! Robby me lad, word from the wise, if you actually wanna win the election shut your trap. And don't give me that, I'd rather be correct than politically correct. You can be correct after you win the election, be politically correct before if you intend to win.

THE Howard Government yesterday slammed the door shut on refugees from Africa. Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews said that no more Africans would be allowed into Australia under the humanitarian refugee program until at least July next year. And he said there were no guarantees any Africans would be accepted in the next intake. Announcing a move critics slammed as simplistic and inhumane, Mr Andrews said the program's quota for Africans had already been filled.

Johnny Johnny Johnny, expected better from you and the boys. What's with this we have enough Africans already crap your man is going on about. Hey, I happen to agree that Australians will decide who comes to Australia and the manner in which they come here, can't fault you on that, but dude, your boys gotta at least pretend like it's a fair system (whether he believes it or not). This whole we only want a better class of refugee just doesn't gel with me. Next it will be the old white Ozzie policy, followed quickly by the "go back to Africa policy", or at least that's what me and the rest of my brown brethren will start thinking.

I Couldabeen a Polly, and i woulda bin a goodwon to.

Call The Friggin' Election Already

Respect to our fearless leader John Winston Howard, but call this Aussie Federal election ASAP. Getting a bit worried here that the longer he leaves it before calling the election I will not have enough time to:

1. Decide whether the Greens Drug policies make more or less sense than they did last time. Won't affect my vote, but will provide some comic relief, we need fringe parties after all, though I'm still waiting for the Fringe Benefits. My advice to Bob Brown and the rest of the greens, get a gig at the Adelaide Fringe Festival, the Fringe Festival has become more mainstream, the same might be possible for you;
2. Not be able to assess the free stuff hey offer. The last few elections have provided the first home buyers grant, the baby bonus, and this election promises solar power and water tank benefits. Call the election already so i can assess my free shit options. Aint pickin' a side til i know what's in it for me;
3. Figure out whether we actually have an Australian Labour, or are they trying to steal the Nationals seats in the Coalition. Stop agreeing with each other dammit, show us what you got, at the moment it's a choice between more of the same, and um steering the same tried and tested course;
4. Plan that weekend bender. Of course every weekend is a bender, hence i need as much notice to ensure that i can bend around the requirement to vote.

Good Post Coming Soon

Just so y'all know i am still alive and kicking, all zero of my regular readers and all, i thought I better add something.

So here it is.

Ciao locos