Call The Friggin' Election Already

Respect to our fearless leader John Winston Howard, but call this Aussie Federal election ASAP. Getting a bit worried here that the longer he leaves it before calling the election I will not have enough time to:

1. Decide whether the Greens Drug policies make more or less sense than they did last time. Won't affect my vote, but will provide some comic relief, we need fringe parties after all, though I'm still waiting for the Fringe Benefits. My advice to Bob Brown and the rest of the greens, get a gig at the Adelaide Fringe Festival, the Fringe Festival has become more mainstream, the same might be possible for you;
2. Not be able to assess the free stuff hey offer. The last few elections have provided the first home buyers grant, the baby bonus, and this election promises solar power and water tank benefits. Call the election already so i can assess my free shit options. Aint pickin' a side til i know what's in it for me;
3. Figure out whether we actually have an Australian Labour, or are they trying to steal the Nationals seats in the Coalition. Stop agreeing with each other dammit, show us what you got, at the moment it's a choice between more of the same, and um steering the same tried and tested course;
4. Plan that weekend bender. Of course every weekend is a bender, hence i need as much notice to ensure that i can bend around the requirement to vote.

2007 Year of the Federal Stunt Election

The election hasn't even been called yet, and already I am getting sick of it all. Why is it that every policy decision or change in policy direction made in an election year is an election stunt. The other day I had this brainwave that I would try and count the number of times the phrase "election stunt" was used in the media by either politicians or the news media. My friend Mr Google threw up so many responses from the last three months that I could not cope, and gave up. Even Tampa was invoked as a pre-election stunt, with reference to the coming election. Tampa was like 500 years ago dammit.

This morning with reference to the Federal Government taking over the Mercy hospital in Tasmania, which as pre-election stunts go was pretty spectacular I might add, Julia Gillard actually invoked the Karma Sutra when describing Tony Abbott's latest pre-election stunt. The Karma Sutra, I tell you. Now let it be known that I have no problem with Julia Gillard discussing the Karma Sutra, in fact this line of discussion should be openly encouraged, but why she had to spoil it by mentioning Tony Abbott is beyond me. In fact from now on, I reckon every response Julia Gillard makes to interview questions should be Karma Sutra, or should include the phrase Karma Sutra. For one thing my interest would be peaked, take the following example of a Door Stop interview between Julia Gillard and an un-named journalist:

Julia GillardDoorstop Interview Transcript - Parliament House, Canberra - 17th August 2005 E & OE

JOURNALIST: On another issue there is a group of Coalition MPs who are agitating for changes to the Broadcast Act to give the Communications Minister the power to pull off inappropriate material on free to air television, do you think it is appropriate for a politician to be arbiter of things like that?

JULIA GILLARD: This is a matter at the end of the day, to be dealt with by our Karma Sutra spokesperson but as I understand it we have expert advisory groups on Karma Sutra issues for good reason.

JOURNALIST: What do you estimate that black hole to be, that you are talking about, to be at?

JULIA GILLARD: Well certainly there has been a Karma Sutra hole punched of $237 million as a result of the back flip on one medication, Lipitor. If Minister Abbott makes any further exemptions the Karma Sutra hole will just get bigger and what we fear is Treasurer Costello, when he stops yawning during Minister Abbott's speeches, will tell him to fill that Karma Sutra hole by further cuts in health.

JOURNALIST: Are the Coalition MPs who are pushing for changes to the Broadcast Act, are they prudes in your view?

JULIA GILLARD: I wouldn't want to comment Karma Sutra's not my area of policy directly but I am sure Senator Conroy will only be too pleased to tell you all about it.

JOURNALIST: Have you seen it, the program they are talking about, what are your personal thoughts?

JULIA GILLARD: And they are talking about…?

JOURNALIST: Big Brother.

JULIA GILLARD: I am not a Karma Sutra aficionado. I am more a watcher of The Karma Sutra actually and I would have to say I think it is a tragedy it has been taken off Saturday nights and we have only one episode of The Karma Sutra per week. I have seen little bits of Karma Sutra and Karma Sutra Uncut but I really haven't got a view to put today about censorship matters, they are really matters for Senator Conroy.

Anyway, I am predicting that the whole mercy hospital thing will become John Howard's Tasmanian Forest Issue of this election. Recall that at the last election, Tasmanian Forests effectively killed Mark Latham's Leadership chances, where he pissed off both the lumberjacks and greens. After Latham's visit to old growth forests in Tasmania, he was filmed standing next to Bob Brown who had this to say about how Latham related to the forest:

"It was as if a veil had come down over his face," Brown says. "A reporter would ask, 'What do you think of this one, Mr Latham?' And he'd shrug and say, 'It's a big tree.' When we got to the cave tree, he just said, 'It's a big tree with a hole in it.'

"It was a studied, desultory response. He was not responding to me. It was as if he was saying, 'I am not going to be shown to relate' - not just to me, but to the forests."

John Howard on the other hand actually had the lumberjacks dancing and singing his praises:

I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.

Anyone who can make a policy to cut down trees sound both green and economically sound, and then prove it wasn't a fluke by getting doctors, nurses and patients dancing and singing about his "Election Stunt" to take over a decrepit, run down hospital, is a master in my books. In one fell swoop, he made himself look strong, and the state labour government look incompetent. It remains to be seen whether the public will see this as the example of "Stunt Electioneering" that it is, or will actually get sucked in!

All hail John Winston Howard, Election Stunt Master Extra-ordinaire.

In closing, "I wonder if they use stunt doubles in all their election stunts?"