Weekly Horrorscope by A Guy Called Nostrildamus

Tuesday 31 July 07
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This John Winston Howard, flush from his recent Birthday trip to East Timor, will be forced to deny that he had anything to do with the Dr Mohammed Haneef Incarceration for terrorism. He will further be forced to deny that he influenced the Commonwealth Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) in his review of the case and that he was aware of the existence of the DPP or what his role is. It's called culpable deniablility.
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This week noone will be held accountable for releasing Dr Haneef's private details, including e-mail adsdresses, home adresses of family members, mobile phone numbers and other private detrails, including that hisf avourite colour is not purple, when his lawyer leaked his interview transcript to the media.
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Aguycalledbrad will fail to be acknowledged as the individual who had this transcript removed from The Age and Australian Web pages, when he pointed out to the editors that is was not fair include personal details of people not involved in the case, especially since Australia, like every other country has it's own fair share of nutcases ready to waive innocence until proven guilty based on a story in the "Daily Telegraph".
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Ninety nine percent of Australians, including my friend Michelle who stayed up getting Asian Cup Quarter Finals highlights via text message from me (Australia Lost on penalties), will not be able to name the eventual finalists or the winner of the Asian Cup.
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Should a Federal Election be called this week, as with the previous Federal election, all Liberal supporters will go into hiding in secret bunkers meaning it will be impossible to find anyone willing to admit they intend to vote Liberal.
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At least three polls will be published showing that the Labor government holds an election winning lead, and would have been a shoo-in if the election had been held yesterday, last week, last weekend or whenever. None of these polls will mention that the same occured during the last three elections. No point undermining the credibility of a questionable poll with inconvenient historical facts or context.
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Someone will suggest that Dr Haneef needs to sue the Commonwealth for damages. I know that i would.
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Al Gore will again refuse to justify why his personal Carbon Footprint (excluding all the international air travel he does) is so much higher than the average Americans. The Truly Inconvenient Truth that GW Bush, has a much lower Carbon footprint than Gore will fail to be discussed at all in the media.
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Collingwood will defeat whichever team they are playing.--
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No Cute furry animals were harmed in producing this horrorscope.

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haneef chat

Weekly Horrorscope by A Guy Called Nostrildamus

Monday 23 July 07

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This week Al (my scientists are better than your scientists) Gore will once again continue his crusade to take global warming to the masses, whilst steadfastly refusing to debate the issue with anyone who both disagrees with him, and has a greater than primary school education. His point being it's so obvious even a primary school kids understand it (why else are the kiddies having global warming nightmares), hence debate will be limited to pre-schoolers.

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Recent predictions that petrol prices are expected to drop to close to a dollar a litre will be dismissed as a pre-election stunt by John Howard. How John Howard is supposed to control fuel prices will not be explained, after all, why ruin a good story facts.

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A major newspaper will publish an article implying that John Howard should do more to reduce fuel prices, possibly by reducing fuel taxes. The rationale will be that the Aussie Battler can no longer afford to run his or her car. This same newspaper will publish an article bemoaning Australia's dependence on fossil fuels in light of global warming stating that we need to increase usage of public transport. No irony will detected in either article.

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Thousands of disappointed Australians will spend Monday and Tuesday morning trying to locate Japan on a World map in light of Japan knocking Australia out of Asian Cup. Even more Australians will state that we are not even Asian anyway, and it's not as if it's the World Cup in which case we would have tried harder. These same Australians have no idea who Australian would have faced in the semi finals had it defeated Japan.

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On Monday I will ring my dad again to make sure he is aware that Collingwood defeated Essendon in the AFL on the weekend.

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Should a Federal Election be called this week, as with the previous Federal election, all Liberal supporter will go into hiding in secret bunkers meaning it will be impossible to find anyone willing to admit they intend to vote Liberal.

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This week, Galloping Morgan will publish a survey stating that Kevin Rudd's brother being forced to resign as a member of the Labor party has had no effect on the member of the opposition's preferred prime minister standing. The survey will not indicate what John Howard's position on Rudd's brother donating to the Liberal/National Coalition is.

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Al Gore will once again state that he has no intention to run for US president in 2008 whilst refusing to categorically rule out running for president. He will continue to spend a few minutes each day practising his, "I know i said i wouldn't but the situation is too dire speech." Al Gore supporters, due to insanely high levels of gullibility present in their blood stream will be genuinely surprised when he does announce he is running.

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As soon as Australia's east and southern coast start to warm up, indicating the onset of Spring, every newspaper will publish dire global warming heatwave predictions. This will indicate that Climate Change (who stood in for global warming during the coldest winter in living memory)has left the building and Global Warming is in the house.

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Collingwood will defeat whichever team they are playing.
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Having forgotten who El Nino was whilst Global Warming/Climate change was in the house, Australians will start to re-acquaint themselves with him, just in time to wave goodbye to this foreign weather. Aussies will once again be too preoccupied with Global Warming to get acquainted with La Nina.

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No Cute furry animals were harmed in producing this horrorscope.