The king is dead, long live the king!

So Kevin Rudd got in, in a Rudd slide, woo hoo, not a landslide mind you, a Rudd slide. Well I am so excited I think I might rush out and get a job. I actually got a text message, from an anonymous texter that said:

"Yay for Labour! I'm gonna get a f*cken Job!".

Woo hoo, from now on we'll all be able to have gravy with our meat and three veg, cause the jobs gravy train has just left the station. No idea who it was from, except that their number ends in 643. Wonder if it will be a real job, and whether a hair cut will be required. I was so excited for Mr or Mrs anonymous that I sent one back saying"

"Goodonya, who ever you are!"

I expected Mr anonymous to get back to me with "It's me, Kev baby, me of the Ruddslide, there's gonna be some changes, watch this space", but alas I had another sleepless night, tossing and turning, wondering who the soon to be employed person is. K-Rudd obviously figured that whilst I was worthy of a text, he didn't really wanna have a chat. Maybe he was rubbing my nose in his victory.

If a landslide can be re-defined as a Rudd slide, we need to steel ourselves for any further re-definitions of the English language. I'm tipping that Kruddworthy will be added to the lexicon of the English language. Work choices is obviously not Kruddworthy. Kyoto, definitely Kruddworthy, although for a while there it was only Kruddworthy if China and India get involved. I can see the thinking;

"What if we have a party and China and India don't turn up?"

If China and India don't turn up, the thinking goes, we should take our "bat and ball" and go home till they are willing to take it seriously. Well kind of defeats the purpose doesn't it, which apparently was the whole reason why John Winston didn't wanna get down and jiggity with this whole Global Warming thingy. Apparently it was because of jobs, and the whole economy thingy, but I suspect it was more about thinking that having a party without those two was just not worth it. Happens all the time, you would be surprised how many parties are cancelled when people realise that I am not turning up. So anyway, Krudd has decided he will sign Kyoto with or without China and India, good on him, that'll learn em, we can party well enough with, or without them.

Anyway, been wondering what the rest of the world thinks of the Kruddslide:

Malaysia is hopeful that Australia’s newly-elected Labor government will bring about positive changes that would further enhance bilateral ties between the two nations.

Well so do I, but then I am biased, I've been embracing bi-lateral relations with a Malaysian for a few months now. I've been bewitched by a Malaysian succubus, so my thoughts on this matter should quite rightly be ignored.

Apparently Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono was the first person to ring Krudd to congratulate him. Sounds like someone was sitting up hoping and praying for a Kruddworthy labour Victory.

Anyway, gots to go, much work to do, protecting my job from all these giddy labour voters finally looking at getting a job.

Did I Say That?

Last week I predicted that the Liberals would win the Australian Election on the 24th of October. And I stand by that prediction. Although following the apparent Rudd-Slide, my zero regular readers have been bombarding me with the huge number of nil nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah e-mails.

You see what the Australian public fails to realise is that that was a non-core prediction. If you'd wanted a core prediction, i would have said there will be winners and losers, many drinks will be had at the pub, and the big screen plasma TV normally only brought out on Grand Final Day will get much use at election parties on the weekend.

Rat's Milk Latte' Anyone?

PAUL McCartney's estranged wife overnight accused consumers of meat and dairy products of fuelling global warming, as she launched a vegan campaign at London's famous Speaker's Corner.

Heather Mills, ............. , suggested people could drink the milk of rats or cats, rather than milking cows. Viva, an animal rights campaign group, claims dairy and meat products are major causes of greenhouse gases.

Good Idea, this way i can break into dairy farming, all i need is a couple of Rats an intensive breeding program, and presto, dariy farmer extraordinaire. Little details exactly how i intend to milk the buggers can wait til later. No doubt technology will provide a solution.

"There are 25 alternative milks available in health shops and supermarkets," she said, saying she turned vegan when an African woman at Live 8 asked her: "Why don't people stop drinking cows' milk lattes?"
"Why do we not drink rats' milk, cats' milk or dogs' milk?"

My guess is that we find the thought of rats and dogs milk disgusting and dry wretch worthy. But that won't stop me providing milk to feed you disgusting habits. No Siree, show me the money.

The 39-year-old was speaking to a group of journalists - and a few tourists - standing in front of a poster showing her in a sultry pose and skimpy top with the slogan: "Hey Meaty, you're making me so hot!"

I always knew she liked me, wonder if I will have to sign a pre-nup?

Liberals To Win Federal Election 2007

Going out on a limb here, John Winston Howard and Co will win the federal Election 2007. There, I said it, it had to be said, so whatcha gonna do about it? Nothing, since you don't know where i live. Nyah, Nyah, Nyah Nyah.

Politics, it's such a dignified occupation. Take these Keating-isms as an example taken from that golden age of politics where no-one was spared to rage of Keating:

Via the "Paul Keating Insults Page"

On Prime Minister John Howard:

"The little desiccated coconut is under pressure and he is attacking anything he can get his hands on"

"For Mr Howard to get to the high moral ground, he would first need to climb out of the volcanic hole he had dug for himself over the last decade. It is like one of those diamond mine holes in South Africa. They are about a mile underground. He would have to come a mile up to get to even equilibrium let alone have any contest in morality with Kevin Rudd."

"What we have got is a dead carcass, swinging in the breeze, but nobody will cut it down to replace him."

"He's wound up like a thousand day clock..."

"...the brain-damaged Leader of the Opposition..."

(Of his 1986 leadership) "From this day onwards, Howard will wear his leadership like a crown of thorns, and in the parliament I'll do everything to crucify him."

"He is the greatest job and investment destroyer since the bubonic plague."

"But I will never get to the stage of wanting to lead the nation standing in front of the mirror each morning clipping the eyebrows here and clipping the eyebrows there with Janette and the kids: It's like 'Spot the eyebrows'."

"I am not like the Leader of the Opposition. I did not slither out of the Cabinet room like a mangy maggot..."

"He has more hide than a team of elephants."

"I do not want to hear any mealymouthed talk from the Member for Benelong."

"The principle saboteur, the man with the cheap fistful of dollars."

"Come in sucker."

On Federal Treasurer, Peter Costello:

"The thing about poor old Costello is he is all tip and no iceberg. He can throw a punch across the parliament but the bloke he should be throwing a punch to is Howard, but of course he doesn't have the ticker for it."

"He has now been treasurer for 11 years. The old coconut is still there araldited to the seat. The treasurer works on the smart quips but when it comes to staring down the prime minister in his office he always leaves disappointed. He never gets the sword out."

Via Wikiquote

Government cannot get the adjustment, get manufacturing going again, and keep moderate wage outcomes and a sensible economic policy, then Australia is basically done for. We will end up being a third rate economy... a banana republic.
Speaking to John Laws on Radio 2UE, May 14, 1986.

A dog returning to his vomit
Referring to Wilson Tuckey, 1990, after Tuckey repeatedly called out the name "Christine" in Parliament.

The Placido Domingo of Australian politics.
Self description, based on the assessment that Domingo's performances are "sometimes great, and sometimes not great, but always good". Press Gallery Christmas dinner, 1991.

It was we who did the dispossessing. We took the traditional lands and smashed the traditional way of life. We brought the diseases. The alcohol. We committed the murders. We took the children from their mothers. We practised discrimination and exclusion. It was our ignorance and our prejudice. And our failure to imagine these things being done to us.
1992 The Redfern Speech, launching International Year of Indigenous Peoples

I would forbid him going going to the Senate, to account to this unrepresentative swill over there...
1993 Parliamentary speech referring to the Senate, in contrast to the House of Representatives.

This is the sweetest victory of all. This is a victory for the true believers; the people who, in difficult times, have kept the faith.
1993 election victory speech.

A familiar question for Australians is how much we are a product of our circumstances, and how much we are what we have made ourselves to be. In truth, by the act of migration the country was made: by that voluntary act and by the emigrants' ambitions it was built.
Address to the Dáil Éireann, the lower house of parliament of the Republic of Ireland, 20 September, 1993.

Don’t ask me any more questions about Mahathir. I couldn’t care less frankly whether he comes to Seattle or not next year. APEC is bigger than all of us – Australia, the United States, Malaysia, Mahathir – or any other recalcitrants.
Informal comment to the media at Seattle Airport, 22 November 1993.

We will not adopt the fantastic hypocrisy of modern conservatism which preaches the values of families and communities, while conducting a direct assault on them through reduced wages and conditions and job security.
Election campaign launch, February 14, 1996.

By the year 2000 we should be able to say that we have learned to live securely, in peace and mutual prosperity among our Asian and Pacific neighbours. We will not be cut off from our British and European cultures and traditions or from those economies. On the contrary, the more engaged we are economically and politically with the region around us, the more value and relevance we bring to those old relationships. Far from putting our identity at risk, our relationships with the region will energise it.
Election campaign launch, February 14, 1996.

In the end it's the big picture which changes nations and whatever our opponents may say, Australia's changed inexorably for good, for the better.
Concession Speech, March 2, 1996.

No choice we can make as a nation lies between our history and our geography. We can hardly change either of them. They are immutable. The only choice we can make as a nation is the choice about our future.
"A Prospect of Europe", 1997 speech at the University of New South Wales.

You just can't have a position where some pumped up bunyip potentate dismisses an elected government.
In reference to former Governor-General John Kerr. The Great Crash for The World Today book launch, 9 November, 2005.

[Australian Reserve Bank] Governor MacFarlane said recently when Paul Volcker broke the back of American inflation it's regarded as the policy triumph of the Western world. When I broke the back of Australian inflation they say, "Oh, you're the fellow that put the interest rates up." Am I not the same fellow that gave them the 15 years of good growth and high wealth that came from it?
7:30 Report interview, May 8, 2006

Between 1999 and 2004 there was no investment in Australia, it all went into housing and consumption all borrowed on the current account. When Peter Costello runs around saying, 'Oh we've paid off the debt,' it's like the pea and thimble trick. The Government debt or the massive private debt abroad? It's continuing to grow.
7:30 Report interview, May 8, 2006

The little desiccated coconut is under pressure and he is attacking anything he can get his hands on... (he is) still there araldited to the seat.
In reference to Prime Minister John Howard. ABC Radio interview, March 5, 2007.

All tip and no iceberg.
Referring to Treasurer Peter Costello, ABC Radio interview, March 5, 2007.

The fact is Burke is smarter than two thirds of the Western Australian Labor Party rolled together
Referring to disgraced former Western Australia Premier Brian Burke, ABC Radio interview, March 5, 2007.

For John Howard to get to any high moral ground he would have to first climb out of the volcanic hole he's dug for himself over the last decade. You know, it's like one of those deep diamond mined holes in South Africa, you know, they're about a mile underground. He'd have to come a mile up to get to even equilibrium, let alone have any contest in morality with Kevin Rudd.
ABC Radio interview, March 5, 2007.

He's a pre-Copernican obscurantist.
Referring to Prime Minister John Howard's attitude to industrial relations. ABC Radio interview, May 1, 2007.

Silly what's his name, the Shrek, whoever he was on the television this morning?
Referring to Howard Government Minister Joe Hockey, Lateline interview, June 7 2007.

He’s the greatest L plater of all time.
Referring to Treasurer Peter Costello, Lateline interview, June 7 2007.

[edit] Unsourced
The accounts do show that Australia is in a recession. The most important thing about that is, is that this is the recession that Australia had to have.
Announcing Australia was in recession, late 1990

Economic racism.
On tariffs.

I only had one shot in the locker and I fired it.
After a failed leadership challenge against Bob Hawke.

Get a job. Do some work like the rest of us.
To a student protestor, 1995.

We're going to bolt it home.
Assessment of his chances at the 1996 election.

I like the Queen... and I think she liked me.
In response to the controversy caused when Keating placed his hand on Queen Elizabeth II's back during her 1992 Australian tour.

Like an Easter Island statue with an arse full of razor blades.
Description of Malcolm Fraser.

An abacus gone feral.
Description of John Hewson, then leader of the Australian Liberal Party (1993)

Hewson: Why won't you call an early election?Keating: The answer is, mate, because I want to do you slowly.

I was implying that the Honourable Member for Wentworth was like a lizard on a rock – alive, but looking dead.
On John Hewson.

This is the sort of little-boy, stamp your foot stuff which comes from a financial yuppie when you shoe him into parliament.
On John Hewson.

(His performance) is like being flogged with a warm lettuce.
On John Hewson

I'd put him in the same class as the rest of them: mediocrity.
On John Hewson

Can a soufflé rise twice?
On the second (1989) attempt by Andrew Peacock to gain the Liberal leadership.

I suppose that the honourable gentleman's hair, like his intellect, will recede into the darkness.
On Andrew Peacock

The Leader of the Opposition is more to be pitied than despised, the poor old thing. The Liberal Party ought to put him down like a faithful dog because he is of no use to it and of no use to the nation.
On Andrew Peacock

We're not interested in the views of painted, perfumed gigolos.
On Andrew Peacock

It is the first time the Honourable Gentleman has got out from under the sunlamp.
On Andrew Peacock

He, as Foreign Minister, was swanning around the United States of America with Shirley MacLaine or trying to crash one of Ted Kennedy's parties...and he was trying to play statesman...while he swanned around, and then he made a cowardly attack upon the former Prime Minister before slinking back into his cabinet.
On Andrew Peacock

You've been in the dye pot again, Andrew.
On Andrew Peacock

[Most politicians have] brains like sparrows' nests - all shit and sticks.
As quoted by Peter Botsman in a column in The Australian, July 3 2002

What we have got is a dead carcass, swinging in the breeze, but nobody will cut it down to replace him.
On John Howard.

The principle saboteur, the man with the cheap fistful of dollars.
On John Howard.

He's wound up like a thousand day clock.
On John Howard

I am not like the Leader of the Opposition. I did not slither out of the Cabinet room like a mangy maggot.
On John Howard.

You boxhead you wouldn’t know. You are flat out counting past ten.
On Liberal MP Wilson Tuckey

I'm not running a seminar for dullards on the other side.
On the Liberal Party

...votes for coalition members who have always been cheats, cheats, cheats and will always be cheats, cheats, cheats and will always defend cheats, cheats, cheats..
On the Liberal Party

The Leader of the Opposition hurls all sorts of abuse at me, and all through question time those pansies over there want retractions of the things we've said about them. They are a bunch of nobodies going nowhere.

You had an important place in Australian society on the ABC and you gave it up to be a pop star...with a big cheque...and now you're on to this sort of stuff. That shows what a 24 carat pissant you are, Richard, that's for sure.
To journalist Richard Carleton

... you can't write a cheque for taste.
Sydney is the only place to live in Australia – the rest is camping out.

...their existense is putrid. It is absolutely putrid.
On the National Party

Every now and then you have to flick the switch to vaudeville.
On leadership

Not the Tampa!

So, which side of politics is gonna make the most of this little nugget. Just Three days before the Federal Election, someones gotta be able to get some political mileage here, or else they just aren't trying hard enough. And i like to know my pollies are trying their utmost.

16 rescued from sinking boat

AUSTRALIAN navy warships have rescued 16 people from a sinking wooden boat off the West Australian coast.
Defence Minister Brendan Nelson said the the identity of those on the boat plus other details were unknown and would be determined by staff from the Department of Immigration and Citizenship.

It's that time of month, all month - study

Be afraid, be very afraid.

• Study shows PMS a 28-day affliction
• More than 150 physical and emotional symptoms
• Crying, eating chocolate not only option

Crikey, 28 days, will it never end!!! Well luckily i don't need to worry about this, she who must be obeyed somehow manages to be cool calm and collected throughout this 28 day pre, post, and menstrual cycle. Phew. But I nevertheless sympathise with my not so fortunate brothers out there.

....... her research exploded the traditional notion of PMS. "There is a traditional view that it's the week leading up to menstruation that is the time we experience symptoms," Ms Hateley said. "I found that's the case as well, there are significant symptoms during that phase.

"But symptoms also fluctuate across the cycle and the perception of stress in particular was higher from day one." Most women experience some of the more than 150 physical and emotional symptoms linked to PMS

150 physical and emotional symptoms. Sheesh, i didn't realise there were that many emotions. There is only one solution, stop paying experts to do this alarming research. Isn't it obvious.

Federal Erection

In more proof of my blogs growing relevance to one or two people in the Blogosphere, it comes tops in a "Google search" for the term "Federal Erection". Why anyone would be looking for a Federal Erection is beyond me, my member prefers to keep things local, but each to their own.

More Inelligible Candidates

Seems like those Labor candidates with their election winning lead, just can't seem to nominate in time. Apparently there are now up to thirteen Labor candidates ineligible if they win in Saturday's election. Their to do list musta been too full in the lead up to nominations, happens to me all the time, usually when my list runs to two pages. Although can't remember the last time i nominated for parliament.

My prediction: If Labor wins the election there will be some serious court action related to all the affected candidates, and if as a result the Liberals win, we will have our own little George Bush (substitute John Howard) stole the election scandal just like the yanks. Well they do say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery.

Stay tuned for more election predictions.

Zorba the Greek Yolngu style

You just gotta watch this til the end.

Singaporeans Blur on Sex

Copied in full from thestar.com.my

Other News & ViewsCompiled by BEH YUEN HUI, GLADYS TAY AND A. RAMAN

MANY Singaporeans have been seeking help from doctors on how to have sexual intercourse, Sin Chew Daily reported yesterday. Singapore Thomson Medical Centre (TMC) founder Dr Cheng Wei Chen said the hospital received several people every month, mostly university graduates, seeking their guidance on how to “do it”.

Its urology senior consultant Dr Lin Fa Cai said he once treated a woman who was married for 10 years and supposedly had sex more than 1,000 times, but was still a virgin. Dr Lin said the husband, who had a doctorate degree, and his wife, who complained of being unable to conceive, sought help at the hospital. “The couple told me they had sex about three times a week but when I examined the wife, her hymen was still intact.

“He had a doctorate degree but zero knowledge on sex,” he said.

Another doctor, who declined to be named, said a couple in their 30s sought help from Mount Elizabeth Hospital and Medical Centre for failing to conceive after seven years of marriage. He said he found no problem with the couple but later discovered that the husband withdrew just before ejaculating.

SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, (Don't mind me, it's not often i get to write a legitimate story on SEX, so i am just trying to get my hit counter thingy up, it's the only way to get girls to like you)