Carpe Jugulum

Where the Bloody Hell Are Ya?

2008-03-25T13:55:00.006+10:30

Shrimps on the barbie are so passe, so we got Koala's in a biscuit.

German supermarket shelves have been stocked with koala-shaped biscuits in a bid to lure more big-spending German tourists to Queensland

After reading this, i have to ask "Lara Bingle, where the bloody hell are ya"

Yup, they must of had a pack of monkeys working on this really progressive, memorable and stoopid campaign.

Things Girlfriends Say

2008-03-25T13:23:00.002+10:30

Was wrong with your knob?!

Of course she was referring to the window winder in my car, but still not something any guy wants to hear.

World's Highest Ranking Military Penguin

2008-03-12T15:10:00.002+10:30

The World would be a much better place if there were more penguins in military positions of power. Just look at the respect this little Avian Bugger is getting. Ever heard of Norway attacking anyone, well, I rest my case.

When the Norwegian King's Guard visited Edinburgh Military Tattoo of 1961 for a Drill Display,[1] a lieutenant called Nils Egelien became interested in Edinburgh Zoo's penguin colony. When the Guards once again returned to Edinburgh in 1972, he arranged for the unit to adopt a penguin. This penguin was named Nils Olav in honour of Nils Egelien, and King Olav V of Norway.

Nils Olav was given the rank of visekorporal (lance corporal) and has been promoted each time the King's Guard has returned to the Tattoo. In 1982 he was made corporal, and promoted to sergeant in 1987. Nils Olav died shortly after his promotion to sergeant, and his place of honour was taken by Nils Olav II, his two-year-old near-double. He was promoted in 1993 to the rank of regimental sergeant major. On August 18, 2005, he was promoted to Colonel-in-Chief.[2] He is the first penguin to hold this rank in the Norwegian army. At the same time a four foot high bronze statue of Nils Olav was presented to Edinburgh Zoo. The statue's inscription recognises the King's Guard and the Military Tattoo. A statue also stands at the Royal Norwegian Guard compound at Huseby, Oslo.

Man's Best Friend - Proof Positive

2008-03-12T14:00:00.001+10:30

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.......

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?

A Hard Week's Work

2008-03-06T11:06:00.009+10:30

I work with some serious Geeks, some of them in Denial, but very entertaining nonetheless. Have any of you ever wondered whether the Star Ship Enterprise would win a battle against the Gallactica, probably not. Well fear not, these Serious Geeks i work with have already done so for you. This week, we have been debating Star Trek Vs Gallactica on the online bulletin boards, everything you never wanted to know is covered. Check it out!

From: Rob, Mr

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 10:23 AM

Posted To: SciFiConversation:

BSG Vs Star TrekSubject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Who would win a battle out of these ships?

From: Steve, Mr

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 10:23 AM

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

This is just so geeky, but I'll join in.

I agree with Ricky, the comparisons can only be done on the amount of ordinance that the ships can use.

The Galactica and the Pegasus have the extra capability of launching multiple small fighters to intercept any incoming ships before they come into weapons range. Therefore a large amount of damage can be inflicted before the main ship joins the battle.

In terms of shielding, the Defiant and the Enterprise have shields, with the Defiant equipped with ablative armour.

The Galactica and the Pegasus will sustain damage for some time, but any damage is directly to the hull.

The attack plan for the BSG ships would be to launch several squadrons of Vipers to attack the incoming ship and wear down it's shielding and armour. Then go in for the kill with nukes, etc.

The Next Gen ships can only attack themselves, so must come into range of any ship they are attacking.

In summary, I'd put money on Galactica coming out of it on top. 'Cause the ace up the sleeve is to warp out to a safe location and leave the attack to the Vipers.

From: Ric, Mr

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 10:31

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

While getting involved in this sort of conversation will doom me to the deepest pits in Hell….

Easy answer. The Defiant. It has shields and it has anti-matter based torpedoes. Admittedly, the amount of hard ordinance the Galactica can chuck out would make for an interesting puzzle on getting close enough for effective damage, it has the capability of warp travel for any distance / any speed and so can jump around all over the place, making it next to impossible to target.

Most people want to live forever....... Most people also get bored on a rainy Sunday arvo....

From: T, MR
Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 09:59

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

The Defiant would be very good as the BattleStars aren't maneuverable, but did you take into account the Vipers???

Mass of numbers would put the BattleStars ahead in my books and therefore the Pegasus gets my vote as it has the better weaponry of the 2.

From: C, Mr

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 10:31

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Depending on the tactics and the commanding officer, I'd say the Defiant as well mainly due to shields, armour and weapons. However it would be interesting to see what the Battlestars nukes would do to the Defiant. The NX-01 would get pounded!
Cheers, Chris

From: S, Mr

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 10:38

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star TrekSubject:

BSG Vs Star Trek

Toug call but I think the Battlestar ships would come out on top. The Galactica dwarfs the Defiant in size but as the others have said, Its a numbers game for them all they have to do is launch squadrons of vipers and its a whole new ball game which depends on how long the Defiants shields hold.

Now for a real Fight give me

Cylons Vs The Borg

From: M, Mr

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 10:55

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

It is a tough call, but the design of the ship isn't as important (while very important) as the ability of its captain. Captains of note include Picard of the Enterprise, who had a battle manoeuvre named after him, and though not mentioned in previous posts, nor of television fame, Captain Jacob Keyes, from the Pillar of Autumn of HALO fame, who also had a battle manoeuvre named after him. I am unfamiliar with most of the others, but my point stands, in determining the victor, supplies, ordnance, and defensive capability are not the only attributes that must be measured.

From: H, Mr

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 10:57

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Sure, they can launch Vipers. They chase the Defiant for a while, then the Defiant goes to Warp, warps around to the other side of the Galactica (who are all looking at their real time screens going “What the??”), launches an entire spread of antimatter torpedoes into the engine area and fighter bays and then spends the next five minutes flying up and down the Galactica raking it with phaser fire while the Vipers spend all that time turning around and trying to get back to their ship while there is a ship to get back to.

If the Defiant can take out the Galactica’s FTL drive in the first attack run, the Galactica is dead.

From: K,

Mr Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 11:06

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Yes very Geeky...but who cares!!!!! Defiant would win easily for the reasons outlined by Ricky Holding. Defiant also has pulse phasers and Quantum torpedos, Galactica and Pegasus would not last very long aganist those weapons.

Now the Enterprise (NX01, A, B, C, D or E) or Defiant vs Star Destroyer from Star Wars. Now there is a competition. Wizard magazine had an article on this and they concluded that the Enterprise E would soundly defeat a Star destroyer because generally speaking Star Trek weapons seem to have more of an impact than Star wars weapons.

From: C, Mr

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 11:11

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

I'm going with Pegasus. Its a survivor!!!!!!

It does come down to the captain and crew, but next gen tactics were as follows;
Worf: "The alien ship is firing again Captain, our shields are down to 15%, we have plasma leaks on all decks and we are venting atmosphere. Shall I return fire?"
Picard: "Careful Mr. Worf, we don't want to provoke them"

Cheers, Chris

From: M, Mr

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 11:30

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

For those that don't know, and are interested.

These are to the best of my failing recollection.

The Picard manoeuvre involves a sudden, ward speed, jump into close proximity and then a point-blank broadside with all available weaponry.
The Keyes roll involved using a remote controlled, burning nuke as a flare to attract guided weapons, then to take cover behind an enemy ship in such a manner that the two ships slightly collided while getting into position (this bit is where 'roll' became part of the name). The collision weakens the enemy shields, they get hit by friendly fire (guided weapons fire not lead away by the nuke), then the nuke is guided around the enemy ships that fired the shots which chase it. They strike the enemy, damaging the shields, the nuke is detonated, destroying or disabling the enemy ships.

From: H, Mr

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 11:31
Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

I wouldn't try to answer that question until someone cleared this point - how do the Federation shields hold up against projectile weapons rather than energy?

The Feds should make peace with the Colonials. Then they'd have someone who could fight the Borg, at least in close quarters fighting - Colonial assault carbines rather than those damn phasers.

From: A, Miss

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 11:34
Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Definitely the Defiant - it has a cloaking device

From: M, MR

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 11:38

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

I'd have to go with the Pegasus as well, because Cain was bonkers and would have run over the Enterprise/Defiant.

I AM NOT A GEEK... I'm just miss understood ;-)

From: M, Mr

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 11:49
Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

You would also have to take into account the flack cannons from the Battlestar's which might make it quite hard for the Defiant to even get a torpedo though. Those flack cannons are like running into a wall of exploding artillery. But the Defiant would probably get the first shot in being able to cloak.

In my opinion there is way to much ordnance on the BSG/BSP for the other ships to even get close. But it dose depend on the firing range of each ship. If Enterprise has a good enough range with it's phasers it would only have to take out the Vipers and then sit back and use phasers to destroy the Battlestar's.

Taking into account Captains of the ships I would have to say the Galactica because of the old Adarma's skill compared to young Adarma on the BSP.

From: Michael MR

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 12:01

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

From: U, MR

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 12:02

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

From: R, MR

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 12:06

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

One of the ST:NG episodes has an escape pod bump into the shields. It bounced off. From that I would suspect that the shields would be resistant to impact. With the human love of history and the wide range of technological levels they would encounter, I doubt they would have shields that could be defeated by a simple rock.

Flak guns etc would have zero impact on anything from NCC-1701 onwards. Being high speed matter, the Deflectors would take care of them and not the sheilds.

Another point in ST favour? Transporters. The final solution is a container of anti-matter from the engines beamed over into the Galactica/Pegasus and the container beamed back...... big bang and all over.

From: P, MR

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 12:13

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Why is it that the BSG ships are constrained by physical reality, whereas the Star Trek ships can use weapons that are lazy storytelling devices?

From: H, MR

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 12:24

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Actually, the Galactica could do something similar, if they only thought about it. The Raptors have FTL drives as well. This means they can be quite small. Can you imagine the effect of having a Raptor jump into a warp core? Or just even the bridge? Targeting might be an issue, but have a dozen or so with jumps pre-programmed. As soon as the target gets more or less in the right spot, do the jump.

From: L, MR

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 12:24

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

IIRC they never tried beaming back just the container in the episodes. I suspect that would take too much accuracy for the transporter to achieve.
What they could do however, is ensure the antimatter is unstable, or becomes unstable shortly after transportation. This would then leave the enemy with barely enough to realise they had to escape, let alone do so. don't forget though that he shields have to be down to transport (or did they remove this inconvenience in later ships?)

From: O, MR

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 13:54

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Too much accuracy for a transporters? I would hope they are accurate enough to achieve that task if they can assemble and reassemble human inner workings. I also find it interesting that you can transport anti-matter safely as surely it is uncontained (even if only very quickly) during the transportation process. I am sure I will be corrected with a very long winded explanation of the inner workings of a transporter system ;-)

From: R2, MR

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 13:58

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Well the transporters option would bring a whole different world of options (not just beaming anti-matter) e.g.; Other forms of explosives, Assault teams (how would a phaser rifle effect the inside of a battlestar?)

From: P, MR

Posted At: Wednesday, 5 March 2008 07:14

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

the container of anti mater and beaming back the container was Scotty's solution to the Kobiayashi Maru at command school.
Transporters were accurate enough to do it when Scotty was at command school so the Defiant would have no problem doing the same trick

From: M, MR

Posted At: Wednesday, 5 March 2008 09:12
Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

..yes but you are talking about Scotty "The Miracle Worker", the man who got the Constitution class defiant's phaser banks charged back up in "The Doomsday Machine", the man who killed the Excelsior's Trans-warp drive in "STIII:TSFS", the man who reformed two Kirks into one with the transporter in "The Enemy Within", the man who survived 75 years in a transporter buffer in "Relics", the man who had to "Change the laws o' physics!" in "The Naked Time".

The Defiant has Miles O'Brien as its chief engineer and transporter chief and while he's good, he is no Scotty! The Anti-matter container trick probably wouldn't work for them so they would just have to empty their Quantum Torpedo bays at the BSG ships instead to win .............. and my vote is that they would win!

From: Rod MR

Posted At: Tuesday, 4 March 2008 12:36

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Projectile weapons...

Flak guns etc would have zero impact on anything from NCC-1701 onwards. Being high speed matter, the Deflectors would take care of them and not the sheilds.

Another point in ST favour? Transporters. The final solution is a container of anti-matter from the engines beamed over into the Galactica/Pegasus and the container beamed back...... big bang and all over.

From: B MR

Posted At: Tuesday, 5 March 2008 11:08

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Why is it that the BSG ships are constrained by physical reality, whereas the Star Trek ships can use weapons that are lazy storytelling devices?

From: Shane MR

Posted At: Wednesday, 4 March 2008 12:43

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

I'd say the Defiant might be in with a chance. Especially if able to use the Romulan cloaking device. After all, the BSGs don't have shields. A cloaked Defiant could cruise up to the landing bay of a Battlestar and lob in a photon or quantum (did the Defiant Class get those?) torpedo.

From: Jason MR

Posted At: Wednesday, 5 March 2008 12:00

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Bingo.

BSG should win, but ST would win because they can use what may as well be 'magic'.

From: Gavin Mr

Posted At: Thursday, 6 March 2008 06:45

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Or ST could kill everyone on the BSG with Technobabble !

From: R MR
Posted At: Thursday, 6 March 2008 9:23

Posted To: Rec: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG vs Star Trek

I wonder just how well Phasers would work against the Galactica's armour. Phasers are designed to work against shields and the light armour of the star trek universe.

I have never seen a description of the BSG's armour it would need to be amazing as it protects the during FLT, so it must be able to deflect/absorb a huge amount of energy

From: C MR
Posted At: Thursday, 6 March 2008 9: 05
Posted To: Rec: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG vs Star Trek

The Battlestars armour works well enough. Both the Galactica and the Pegasus have received multiple nuclear hits and survived. The Pegasus seemed to come out better off than the G after getting hit by nukes, but that is because the Peggy is bigger and newer and the G had most of her armour removed for her impending retirement. Hence why the Columbia was the same shape as the G, but a lot more streamlined.
Cheers, Chris

From: H MISS

Posted At: Thursday, 6 March 2008 08:39

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

What about the metaphasic shielding that Janeway from the future brought back for Voyager to use to get past the Borg in ST:VOY Endgame????

From: B, Mr

Posted At: Thursday, 6 March 2008 09:27

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

Whilst measuring the actual capabilities and limitaions of each ship is an insurmountable task... I add this..

ST would have to win, because some Tech Chief or Android or Vulcans would come up with some way of reversing the polarity of some weird ass wave
through the deflector sheild whilst turning the coffee machine off and on in 10 Forward mess to cause a phase loopback error in their flux capacitor (sorry about
the Back to the Future ref), thus causing a catastrophic cascading failure of thier inverse synthetic appature array (mmmmm ISAR)

From: Scott Mr

Posted At: Thursday, 6 March 2008 09:27

Posted To: SciFiConversation: BSG Vs Star Trek

Subject: BSG Vs Star Trek

I think by the time Adama and Col Tigh stopped arguing about what needs to be done to would be all over red rover!!!!.............Although if Adama was to find out that Voyager was commanded by a woman that would certainly get his blood boiling!!!!!!

The king is dead, long live the king!

2007-11-26T11:13:00.000+10:30

So Kevin Rudd got in, in a Rudd slide, woo hoo, not a landslide mind you, a Rudd slide. Well I am so excited I think I might rush out and get a job. I actually got a text message, from an anonymous texter that said:

"Yay for Labour! I'm gonna get a f*cken Job!".

Woo hoo, from now on we'll all be able to have gravy with our meat and three veg, cause the jobs gravy train has just left the station. No idea who it was from, except that their number ends in 643. Wonder if it will be a real job, and whether a hair cut will be required. I was so excited for Mr or Mrs anonymous that I sent one back saying"

"Goodonya, who ever you are!"

I expected Mr anonymous to get back to me with "It's me, Kev baby, me of the Ruddslide, there's gonna be some changes, watch this space", but alas I had another sleepless night, tossing and turning, wondering who the soon to be employed person is. K-Rudd obviously figured that whilst I was worthy of a text, he didn't really wanna have a chat. Maybe he was rubbing my nose in his victory.

If a landslide can be re-defined as a Rudd slide, we need to steel ourselves for any further re-definitions of the English language. I'm tipping that Kruddworthy will be added to the lexicon of the English language. Work choices is obviously not Kruddworthy. Kyoto, definitely Kruddworthy, although for a while there it was only Kruddworthy if China and India get involved. I can see the thinking;

"What if we have a party and China and India don't turn up?"

If China and India don't turn up, the thinking goes, we should take our "bat and ball" and go home till they are willing to take it seriously. Well kind of defeats the purpose doesn't it, which apparently was the whole reason why John Winston didn't wanna get down and jiggity with this whole Global Warming thingy. Apparently it was because of jobs, and the whole economy thingy, but I suspect it was more about thinking that having a party without those two was just not worth it. Happens all the time, you would be surprised how many parties are cancelled when people realise that I am not turning up. So anyway, Krudd has decided he will sign Kyoto with or without China and India, good on him, that'll learn em, we can party well enough with, or without them.

Anyway, been wondering what the rest of the world thinks of the Kruddslide:

Malaysia is hopeful that Australia’s newly-elected Labor government will bring about positive changes that would further enhance bilateral ties between the two nations.

Well so do I, but then I am biased, I've been embracing bi-lateral relations with a Malaysian for a few months now. I've been bewitched by a Malaysian succubus, so my thoughts on this matter should quite rightly be ignored.

Apparently Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono was the first person to ring Krudd to congratulate him. Sounds like someone was sitting up hoping and praying for a Kruddworthy labour Victory.

Anyway, gots to go, much work to do, protecting my job from all these giddy labour voters finally looking at getting a job.

Did I Say That?

2007-11-26T11:07:00.000+10:30

Last week I predicted that the Liberals would win the Australian Election on the 24th of October. And I stand by that prediction. Although following the apparent Rudd-Slide, my zero regular readers have been bombarding me with the huge number of nil nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah e-mails.

You see what the Australian public fails to realise is that that was a non-core prediction. If you'd wanted a core prediction, i would have said there will be winners and losers, many drinks will be had at the pub, and the big screen plasma TV normally only brought out on Grand Final Day will get much use at election parties on the weekend.

Rat's Milk Latte' Anyone?

2007-11-22T10:26:00.000+10:30

PAUL McCartney's estranged wife overnight accused consumers of meat and dairy products of fuelling global warming, as she launched a vegan campaign at London's famous Speaker's Corner.

Heather Mills, ............. , suggested people could drink the milk of rats or cats, rather than milking cows. Viva, an animal rights campaign group, claims dairy and meat products are major causes of greenhouse gases.

Good Idea, this way i can break into dairy farming, all i need is a couple of Rats an intensive breeding program, and presto, dariy farmer extraordinaire. Little details exactly how i intend to milk the buggers can wait til later. No doubt technology will provide a solution.

"There are 25 alternative milks available in health shops and supermarkets," she said, saying she turned vegan when an African woman at Live 8 asked her: "Why don't people stop drinking cows' milk lattes?"
"Why do we not drink rats' milk, cats' milk or dogs' milk?"

My guess is that we find the thought of rats and dogs milk disgusting and dry wretch worthy. But that won't stop me providing milk to feed you disgusting habits. No Siree, show me the money.

The 39-year-old was speaking to a group of journalists - and a few tourists - standing in front of a poster showing her in a sultry pose and skimpy top with the slogan: "Hey Meaty, you're making me so hot!"

I always knew she liked me, wonder if I will have to sign a pre-nup?

Liberals To Win Federal Election 2007

2007-11-21T12:59:00.000+10:30

Going out on a limb here, John Winston Howard and Co will win the federal Election 2007. There, I said it, it had to be said, so whatcha gonna do about it? Nothing, since you don't know where i live. Nyah, Nyah, Nyah Nyah.

Politics, it's such a dignified occupation. Take these Keating-isms as an example taken from that golden age of politics where no-one was spared to rage of Keating:

Via the "Paul Keating Insults Page"

On Prime Minister John Howard:

"The little desiccated coconut is under pressure and he is attacking anything he can get his hands on"

"For Mr Howard to get to the high moral ground, he would first need to climb out of the volcanic hole he had dug for himself over the last decade. It is like one of those diamond mine holes in South Africa. They are about a mile underground. He would have to come a mile up to get to even equilibrium let alone have any contest in morality with Kevin Rudd."

"What we have got is a dead carcass, swinging in the breeze, but nobody will cut it down to replace him."

"He's wound up like a thousand day clock..."

"...the brain-damaged Leader of the Opposition..."

(Of his 1986 leadership) "From this day onwards, Howard will wear his leadership like a crown of thorns, and in the parliament I'll do everything to crucify him."

"He is the greatest job and investment destroyer since the bubonic plague."

"But I will never get to the stage of wanting to lead the nation standing in front of the mirror each morning clipping the eyebrows here and clipping the eyebrows there with Janette and the kids: It's like 'Spot the eyebrows'."

"I am not like the Leader of the Opposition. I did not slither out of the Cabinet room like a mangy maggot..."

"He has more hide than a team of elephants."

"I do not want to hear any mealymouthed talk from the Member for Benelong."

"The principle saboteur, the man with the cheap fistful of dollars."

"Come in sucker."

On Federal Treasurer, Peter Costello:

"The thing about poor old Costello is he is all tip and no iceberg. He can throw a punch across the parliament but the bloke he should be throwing a punch to is Howard, but of course he doesn't have the ticker for it."

"He has now been treasurer for 11 years. The old coconut is still there araldited to the seat. The treasurer works on the smart quips but when it comes to staring down the prime minister in his office he always leaves disappointed. He never gets the sword out."

Via Wikiquote

Government cannot get the adjustment, get manufacturing going again, and keep moderate wage outcomes and a sensible economic policy, then Australia is basically done for. We will end up being a third rate economy... a banana republic.
Speaking to John Laws on Radio 2UE, May 14, 1986.

A dog returning to his vomit
Referring to Wilson Tuckey, 1990, after Tuckey repeatedly called out the name "Christine" in Parliament.

The Placido Domingo of Australian politics.
Self description, based on the assessment that Domingo's performances are "sometimes great, and sometimes not great, but always good". Press Gallery Christmas dinner, 1991.

It was we who did the dispossessing. We took the traditional lands and smashed the traditional way of life. We brought the diseases. The alcohol. We committed the murders. We took the children from their mothers. We practised discrimination and exclusion. It was our ignorance and our prejudice. And our failure to imagine these things being done to us.
1992 The Redfern Speech, launching International Year of Indigenous Peoples

I would forbid him going going to the Senate, to account to this unrepresentative swill over there...
1993 Parliamentary speech referring to the Senate, in contrast to the House of Representatives.

This is the sweetest victory of all. This is a victory for the true believers; the people who, in difficult times, have kept the faith.
1993 election victory speech.

A familiar question for Australians is how much we are a product of our circumstances, and how much we are what we have made ourselves to be. In truth, by the act of migration the country was made: by that voluntary act and by the emigrants' ambitions it was built.
Address to the Dáil Éireann, the lower house of parliament of the Republic of Ireland, 20 September, 1993.

Don’t ask me any more questions about Mahathir. I couldn’t care less frankly whether he comes to Seattle or not next year. APEC is bigger than all of us – Australia, the United States, Malaysia, Mahathir – or any other recalcitrants.
Informal comment to the media at Seattle Airport, 22 November 1993.

We will not adopt the fantastic hypocrisy of modern conservatism which preaches the values of families and communities, while conducting a direct assault on them through reduced wages and conditions and job security.
Election campaign launch, February 14, 1996.

By the year 2000 we should be able to say that we have learned to live securely, in peace and mutual prosperity among our Asian and Pacific neighbours. We will not be cut off from our British and European cultures and traditions or from those economies. On the contrary, the more engaged we are economically and politically with the region around us, the more value and relevance we bring to those old relationships. Far from putting our identity at risk, our relationships with the region will energise it.
Election campaign launch, February 14, 1996.

In the end it's the big picture which changes nations and whatever our opponents may say, Australia's changed inexorably for good, for the better.
Concession Speech, March 2, 1996.

No choice we can make as a nation lies between our history and our geography. We can hardly change either of them. They are immutable. The only choice we can make as a nation is the choice about our future.
"A Prospect of Europe", 1997 speech at the University of New South Wales.

You just can't have a position where some pumped up bunyip potentate dismisses an elected government.
In reference to former Governor-General John Kerr. The Great Crash for The World Today book launch, 9 November, 2005.

[Australian Reserve Bank] Governor MacFarlane said recently when Paul Volcker broke the back of American inflation it's regarded as the policy triumph of the Western world. When I broke the back of Australian inflation they say, "Oh, you're the fellow that put the interest rates up." Am I not the same fellow that gave them the 15 years of good growth and high wealth that came from it?
7:30 Report interview, May 8, 2006

Between 1999 and 2004 there was no investment in Australia, it all went into housing and consumption all borrowed on the current account. When Peter Costello runs around saying, 'Oh we've paid off the debt,' it's like the pea and thimble trick. The Government debt or the massive private debt abroad? It's continuing to grow.
7:30 Report interview, May 8, 2006

The little desiccated coconut is under pressure and he is attacking anything he can get his hands on... (he is) still there araldited to the seat.
In reference to Prime Minister John Howard. ABC Radio interview, March 5, 2007.

All tip and no iceberg.
Referring to Treasurer Peter Costello, ABC Radio interview, March 5, 2007.

The fact is Burke is smarter than two thirds of the Western Australian Labor Party rolled together
Referring to disgraced former Western Australia Premier Brian Burke, ABC Radio interview, March 5, 2007.

For John Howard to get to any high moral ground he would have to first climb out of the volcanic hole he's dug for himself over the last decade. You know, it's like one of those deep diamond mined holes in South Africa, you know, they're about a mile underground. He'd have to come a mile up to get to even equilibrium, let alone have any contest in morality with Kevin Rudd.
ABC Radio interview, March 5, 2007.

He's a pre-Copernican obscurantist.
Referring to Prime Minister John Howard's attitude to industrial relations. ABC Radio interview, May 1, 2007.

Silly what's his name, the Shrek, whoever he was on the television this morning?
Referring to Howard Government Minister Joe Hockey, Lateline interview, June 7 2007.

He’s the greatest L plater of all time.
Referring to Treasurer Peter Costello, Lateline interview, June 7 2007.

[edit] Unsourced
The accounts do show that Australia is in a recession. The most important thing about that is, is that this is the recession that Australia had to have.
Announcing Australia was in recession, late 1990

Economic racism.
On tariffs.

I only had one shot in the locker and I fired it.
After a failed leadership challenge against Bob Hawke.

Get a job. Do some work like the rest of us.
To a student protestor, 1995.

We're going to bolt it home.
Assessment of his chances at the 1996 election.

I like the Queen... and I think she liked me.
In response to the controversy caused when Keating placed his hand on Queen Elizabeth II's back during her 1992 Australian tour.

Like an Easter Island statue with an arse full of razor blades.
Description of Malcolm Fraser.

An abacus gone feral.
Description of John Hewson, then leader of the Australian Liberal Party (1993)

Hewson: Why won't you call an early election?Keating: The answer is, mate, because I want to do you slowly.

I was implying that the Honourable Member for Wentworth was like a lizard on a rock – alive, but looking dead.
On John Hewson.

This is the sort of little-boy, stamp your foot stuff which comes from a financial yuppie when you shoe him into parliament.
On John Hewson.

(His performance) is like being flogged with a warm lettuce.
On John Hewson

I'd put him in the same class as the rest of them: mediocrity.
On John Hewson

Can a soufflé rise twice?
On the second (1989) attempt by Andrew Peacock to gain the Liberal leadership.

I suppose that the honourable gentleman's hair, like his intellect, will recede into the darkness.
On Andrew Peacock

The Leader of the Opposition is more to be pitied than despised, the poor old thing. The Liberal Party ought to put him down like a faithful dog because he is of no use to it and of no use to the nation.
On Andrew Peacock

We're not interested in the views of painted, perfumed gigolos.
On Andrew Peacock

It is the first time the Honourable Gentleman has got out from under the sunlamp.
On Andrew Peacock

He, as Foreign Minister, was swanning around the United States of America with Shirley MacLaine or trying to crash one of Ted Kennedy's parties...and he was trying to play statesman...while he swanned around, and then he made a cowardly attack upon the former Prime Minister before slinking back into his cabinet.
On Andrew Peacock

You've been in the dye pot again, Andrew.
On Andrew Peacock

[Most politicians have] brains like sparrows' nests - all shit and sticks.
As quoted by Peter Botsman in a column in The Australian, July 3 2002

What we have got is a dead carcass, swinging in the breeze, but nobody will cut it down to replace him.
On John Howard.

The principle saboteur, the man with the cheap fistful of dollars.
On John Howard.

He's wound up like a thousand day clock.
On John Howard

I am not like the Leader of the Opposition. I did not slither out of the Cabinet room like a mangy maggot.
On John Howard.

You boxhead you wouldn’t know. You are flat out counting past ten.
On Liberal MP Wilson Tuckey

I'm not running a seminar for dullards on the other side.
On the Liberal Party

...votes for coalition members who have always been cheats, cheats, cheats and will always be cheats, cheats, cheats and will always defend cheats, cheats, cheats..
On the Liberal Party

The Leader of the Opposition hurls all sorts of abuse at me, and all through question time those pansies over there want retractions of the things we've said about them. They are a bunch of nobodies going nowhere.

You had an important place in Australian society on the ABC and you gave it up to be a pop star...with a big cheque...and now you're on to this sort of stuff. That shows what a 24 carat pissant you are, Richard, that's for sure.
To journalist Richard Carleton

... you can't write a cheque for taste.
Sydney is the only place to live in Australia – the rest is camping out.

...their existense is putrid. It is absolutely putrid.
On the National Party

Every now and then you have to flick the switch to vaudeville.
On leadership

Not the Tampa!

2007-11-21T12:27:00.000+10:30

So, which side of politics is gonna make the most of this little nugget. Just Three days before the Federal Election, someones gotta be able to get some political mileage here, or else they just aren't trying hard enough. And i like to know my pollies are trying their utmost.

16 rescued from sinking boat

AUSTRALIAN navy warships have rescued 16 people from a sinking wooden boat off the West Australian coast.
Defence Minister Brendan Nelson said the the identity of those on the boat plus other details were unknown and would be determined by staff from the Department of Immigration and Citizenship.

It's that time of month, all month - study

2007-11-21T12:03:00.000+10:30

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Study shows PMS a 28-day affliction
More than 150 physical and emotional symptoms
Crying, eating chocolate not only option

Crikey, 28 days, will it never end!!! Well luckily i don't need to worry about this, she who must be obeyed somehow manages to be cool calm and collected throughout this 28 day pre, post, and menstrual cycle. Phew. But I nevertheless sympathise with my not so fortunate brothers out there.

....... her research exploded the traditional notion of PMS. "There is a traditional view that it's the week leading up to menstruation that is the time we experience symptoms," Ms Hateley said. "I found that's the case as well, there are significant symptoms during that phase.

"But symptoms also fluctuate across the cycle and the perception of stress in particular was higher from day one." Most women experience some of the more than 150 physical and emotional symptoms linked to PMS

150 physical and emotional symptoms. Sheesh, i didn't realise there were that many emotions. There is only one solution, stop paying experts to do this alarming research. Isn't it obvious.

Federal Erection

2007-11-20T15:58:00.000+10:30

In more proof of my blogs growing relevance to one or two people in the Blogosphere, it comes tops in a "Google search" for the term "Federal Erection". Why anyone would be looking for a Federal Erection is beyond me, my member prefers to keep things local, but each to their own.

More Inelligible Candidates

2007-11-20T15:26:00.000+10:30

Seems like those Labor candidates with their election winning lead, just can't seem to nominate in time. Apparently there are now up to thirteen Labor candidates ineligible if they win in Saturday's election. Their to do list musta been too full in the lead up to nominations, happens to me all the time, usually when my list runs to two pages. Although can't remember the last time i nominated for parliament.

My prediction: If Labor wins the election there will be some serious court action related to all the affected candidates, and if as a result the Liberals win, we will have our own little George Bush (substitute John Howard) stole the election scandal just like the yanks. Well they do say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery.

Stay tuned for more election predictions.

Zorba the Greek Yolngu style

2007-11-20T15:21:00.000+10:30

You just gotta watch this til the end.

Singaporeans Blur on Sex

2007-11-15T16:19:00.000+10:30

Copied in full from thestar.com.my

Other News & ViewsCompiled by BEH YUEN HUI, GLADYS TAY AND A. RAMAN

MANY Singaporeans have been seeking help from doctors on how to have sexual intercourse, Sin Chew Daily reported yesterday. Singapore Thomson Medical Centre (TMC) founder Dr Cheng Wei Chen said the hospital received several people every month, mostly university graduates, seeking their guidance on how to “do it”.

Its urology senior consultant Dr Lin Fa Cai said he once treated a woman who was married for 10 years and supposedly had sex more than 1,000 times, but was still a virgin. Dr Lin said the husband, who had a doctorate degree, and his wife, who complained of being unable to conceive, sought help at the hospital. “The couple told me they had sex about three times a week but when I examined the wife, her hymen was still intact.

“He had a doctorate degree but zero knowledge on sex,” he said.

Another doctor, who declined to be named, said a couple in their 30s sought help from Mount Elizabeth Hospital and Medical Centre for failing to conceive after seven years of marriage. He said he found no problem with the couple but later discovered that the husband withdrew just before ejaculating.

SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, (Don't mind me, it's not often i get to write a legitimate story on SEX, so i am just trying to get my hit counter thingy up, it's the only way to get girls to like you)

Federal Election: Molotov Cocktails Not Required.

2007-11-15T16:02:00.000+10:30

Two weeks til this whole Federal Election thing is finalised. I can't wait. Was gonna stock up on Molotov Cocktail making implements before I remembered that I am in Australia, where the worst we do is hurl abuse at each other. We have a more civilised "sticks and stones" approach to political differences, as opposed to other nations where people regularly get attacked, killed and maimed. Somehow I don't think these people are ready to put their hearts into it.. We're so civilised we even complain about the impost created by having to vote. In fact it won't be long til some green loon decides elections should be banned due to their carbon footprint.

With much trepidation some of my friends have invited me to an election party, I say trepidation as they are all rabid greenies and anti everything, who are convinced that nothing is sustainable, in fact I am surprised they are able to sustain the rage. Although since most of them drive cars, wear expensive clothes, and spend their weekends getting drunk and partying, I am guessing the rage is just a front, but a politically correct front (which is the best type) Whereas I on the other hand, think that spending too much time in a room full of people depressed about the state of Life the Universe and Everything, who will quite happily procreate whilst yelling that mankind is the worst thing that could have happened to the universe is definitely unsustainable, and in a more immediate sense of the word.

So, why am I going, well duh, there'll be beer, and like I said before girls who are happy to procreate. Can anyone advise on the shelf life of a Molotov Cocktail?

Watergate film star asks 'where is the press?'

2007-11-14T16:06:00.000+10:30

American movie star Robert Redford, who played reporter Bob Woodward in a film about the Watergate scandal, said he regretted that US journalists were not investigating the administration of US President George Bush.
"There are deep similarities going on but where is the press? Where is the press?" Redford pointedly asked at the sidelines of a film festival in the Czech spa town of Karlovy Vary on Saturday.

WTF is old Redman on about, where is the press? Is there a world leader today that gets more air time than Dubya, is there a world leader anywhere in the last thirty years that has gotten more press time than Dubya. From fake plastic turkeys (it was real) to Mission Accomplished, to nucular weapon and all the other Bushisms that so infuriate the world, i cannot believe that anyone would believe the press have been missing in action. Stick to movies Mr "I Played a Reporter in a Watergate Movie therefore i know the press is lacking in modern bush white house politics"

Faster Than Light Travel: Another Aussie First

2007-11-14T15:57:00.000+10:30

Fair makes me proud to be Astrayan, apparently the first nation to achieve faster than light travel.

Perhaps now you can understand why we named our Nations Capital, Canberra, after the Canberra Bomber, apparently the first jet engined bomber aircraft.

Canberra Bomber Frolicking on the Tarmac

Australian's all let us ring Joyce, for she is young and free!

'Closing The Space Between Us - The Rights of Aboriginal Children'

2007-11-08T14:17:00.000+10:30

Got sent this speech to read the other day by my dear friend Michelle, who quite rightly knew it would get my back up. Hence she had enough time to put on the flame retardant suit before i responded. Read the speech here, having done that, the rest of this diatribe should make a lot more sense.

Well

Where do I start.

I CHOOSE TO START THIS RANT ......... NOW!!

Firstly, he identifies a problem, and there is a problem, but makes it sound like it has all come about in the last 11 years. It is all a failure of John Howard's Government, implying that everything was perfect before. He never mentions the other parties, and when he does mention Bob Hawk he does not mention Labor it is as if he is a politician without a party. Didn't Bob Hawk promise in the mid eighties that no child would be living in poverty? Anyway, see i am doing the same thing he did, make provocative statements that highlight the problem but don't contribute to the solution.

The problem has been around for decades, attempts have been made but they have failed. For example for many years Aborigines were given more generous welfare payments, easier access to welfare, and positive discrimination in terms of education, housing etc. These attempts failed, and I believe it is untrue to say that the failure was foreseeable. As a rule if you assist someone financially, you would expect them to prosper more than they would have without the assistance. This does not seem to have happened with many Aborigines. Although I believe that if you look at the data, from now, and compare it to 30 or 50 years ago, there would be a notable increase in the number of aborigines in full time employment, with professional and trade qualifications who are capable of standing on their own two feet without Federal or state assistance. The issue is that not enough of them have reached that point, and many of them live in the conditions described.

So to me the questions become
1. Why is it so?
2. Can we change it?
3. Should we change it?

But back to those questions later.

The third paragraph really pissed me off, he says the following"

"Children and mothers make up 75% of the world's poor."

Newsflash children and others make up 75% of families!! Well that would appear to be normal to me, if the average family in Australia has 2.4 children, making the average family 4.4 people, and rounding down to four people, i would expect hat 75% of them are women and children. Amazing. I wonder what the statistics are for all male aboriginal families is, I suppose in that case only fifty percent would be living in poverty (since there are no women)!!

On page three, paragraph one of, he says "The medical evidence indicates that we will only....." But then does not state what the evidence is, who did the research, he provides us with no means of confirming that is being said. Admittedly in a speech you would not have full references but in a written transcript of said speech, particularly one put out by a uni, i would think they could provide some references. He makes the same mistake numerous times

"More than thirty major reports on child abuse state....."

is just one example. At least tell us which organisation did some of those reports, no need to mention all of them in the speech, but mention the ones that he gives the most weight to.

Anyway, the major issue in my view is "aboriginal autonomy", and he talks about it, but in the exact opposite context to what i would say. He says aboriginals should be autonomous and blah blah blah, I gathered that that was what is causing part of the problem, not enough autonomy. They have a degree of autonomy to deal with their own issues under their own law, and in many cases can't be compelled to follow western practices. No problem with that. But what happens when those practices are below the minimum level accepted by the rest of us. If under tribal law, the penalty for rape or child abuse is lesser than the western penalties, what should we do about that. He speaks of autonomy as if it is the end of all aboriginal problems, when in fact it causes some problems of it's own.

He also says "It is increasingly clear that this intervention is using the emotive language of child abuse to implement a radical indigenous policy agenda"

Whoa, the government has an agenda! Well Newsflash, i got no problem with that. The standard welfare based system we have used has not worked, all previous attempts have failed, some radical thinking is required. If someone wants to hide behind child abuse, to improve the standard of living of aborigines, whilst incidentally preventing or lowering the instance of child abuse, well that's okay by me.

He says, "The question for you my fellow Australians is, do you believe John Howard has changed? That is the Consequence of your Vote?"

Wrong Question, the question should be "Do you think that John Howard's Actions, however much you like or dislike him, will result in an improvement in Aboriginal living standards" It does not matter whether you like him or not, what matters is whether he is doing the right thing, and saying i would do it differently is a cop out. There is more than one way to skin a cat, but you don't want to stand around arguing about the best way, whilst the cat decomposes. Let the leaders lead, and and the cat is more likely to get skinned.

Personality politics is often full of crap. In the first ever televised political debate between JFK and Nixon, those who watched it on television overwhelmingly said JFK won, those who listened on the radio overwhelmingly said Nixon had won. What the hell is going on there. Evidently JFK had better personality, more presence on camera etc etc etc. Evidently this was more important than his policies. Utter Tosh, I say.

"The first Australians do have a right to autonomy that is once again being denied" like i said before, i suspect this is part of the problem, but is quoted here as part of the solution.

And finally he presents his 10 point plan. People, Friends, Australians, country men, one nation voters ET AL, I say this to you. Do not trust anyone that has a 10 point plan. 10 point plans are full of crap. If it was a 9 point plan, or an 11 point plan, i would have more respect for it. People inflate plans to get to 10 because 10 sounds important, 'Ten Commandments" "Americans Ten Most Wanted" "Top Ten Songs" top ten blah blah blah. If I saw this in a report, opinion for the author would probably go down, after i had confirmed that there were some plan padding in action. So, what have we here in this plan;

All Australians should sign a new statement pledging to support a national effort to achieve equality for all of our children.

Well point one is a piece of crap. You can't plan for what people should do. I had a debate the other day when someone said "everyone should take more responsibility for each other, and help each other out and blah blah blah" Absolutely correct everyone should be nice, everyone should be helpful, but they are not, there are assholes, and there always will be. Any plan that relies on what people should do is gonna fail. Plan for what they will do. Do you actually believe we can get everyone to sign a pledge. Definitely not in my opinion, so I'm not gonna waste time planning for it, and i probably won't support anyone that has this as a central plank in their policy. List it as a vision yes, but a Mission, no.

Point 10 is one that I partially agree with. I agree that as a nation we need to apologise for what was done in the past, but i know we are not gonna get every individual to do so, so I'm not gonna waste my time trying. I musta done something wrong, I've only been in the country twenty years, but already I'm apologising for the sins of someone Else's fathers. I think there is something in that for everyone.

Anyway, i think we could get most of this to go away if we were truly committed to the policies of equity and diversity, which don't try to treat everyone as equals, but recognise that some people have different needs, Muslims need to pray at certain times of the day facing Mecca, and so should be afforded this right, aborigines need assistance recovering from the institutionalised racism of the recent past, and so should be afforded whatever assistance is required.

There is one waste of time we can't get rid of, and that is politics, the sugar coating of policy to make it equitable. Find me a politician that didn't sugar coat anything, and i will vote for him. he'll lose, but at least he'll do it for being honest.

Anyway back to my three key questions;

Why is it so?
Can we change it?
Should we change it

Well i will leave that up to you. Maybe they should come up with an Automatic-Vote-Amatic for those who don't want to make decisions. By not writing anything down, i can't be questioned so in response to my own three questions, i choose to be enigmatic and maintain a dignified silence. "Go forth and solve this problem i say, but beware, if it should come to my attention that you have been dilly dallying, i shall be most put out!"

Who's The Man: He's The Man

2007-10-25T12:06:00.000+09:30

Secrets of a successful relationship, know your place.

I might not wear the pants, but i still get a certain pleasure out of taking them off!!

The Modern Fable of the Caged Monkeys

2007-10-25T11:46:00.000+09:30

This is so true to life, it's scary. Anytime anyone says, "we've always done it this/that way show them this"

FIVE hungry monkeys were placed in a cage by a Pavlovian experimental psychologist, who then suspended a banana from the roof of the cage and placed a ladder directly below it. One of the monkeys soon approached the ladder in order to climb up to the suspended banana. Immediately the would-be climber touched the ladder, the psychologist sprayed all the monkeys in the cage with a torrent of ice water. Shortly, another monkey attempted the climb and once again the psychologist doused all the monkeys in the cage with ice water. He thereafter repeated this procedure whenever any of the monkeys touched the ladder. Eventually, in order to avoid further soakings, the monkeys began to cooperate so as to prevent any of their fellows from making further attempts to climb the ladder.

AT this stage, the psychologist turned off the ice water tap, removed one of the monkeys from the cage and replaced him with a naïve, equally hungry specimen who had not observed the preceding events. The new monkey, on catching sight of the banana, attempted to climb the ladder to reach it. To his amazement, he was unexpectedly and savagely attacked by the four remaining monkeys, who repeated their assaults on him whenever he approached the ladder, desisting only when he gave up further attempts.

THE psychologist then removed a second of the original monkeys from the cage and replaced him with yet another naïve, equally hungry specimen. The latest monkey introduced into the cage now also sought to climb the ladder to reach the banana, only to be assaulted like his predecessors. The previous newcomer was an enthusiastic participant in the attacks on the latest monkey introduced to the cage, until he too desisted from any further attempts to climb the ladder.

NEXT, the psychologist replaced a third monkey from the original group in the cage with yet another naïve, hungry specimen whose fate on approaching the ladder was identical to that of his predecessors. Soon the third replacement monkey also made no further attempts to obtain the banana. At this stage, two of the monkeys which attacked him had no idea why they were not permitted to climb the ladder, nor even why they were attacking the latest naïve monkey to be caged when he attempted to do so.

AFTER the psychologist serially replaced the fourth and fifth of the original occupants of the cage, none of the monkeys then remaining in the cage had been sprayed with ice water nor observed this happening to the original subjects. Nevertheless, none of the monkeys remaining in the cage at the conclusion of the experiment made any further attempts to climb the ladder to reach the suspended banana. So far as they knew, that was the way things had always been in their cage.

MORAL: Thus begin organisational policies.

Army Pay Rates 1967

2007-10-25T11:38:00.000+09:30

This is self explanatory. I like the way that males were compensated for being married by being paid more. Almost makes marriage financially worthwhile wouldn't you say, although since i have never been married, I can't be the judge of that.

That's what's wrong with society these days, if we were compensated for staying with our spouses there would be much less divorce. I blame the defence department for the rising divorce rate, this is just more evidence that we live in a morally corrupt society. Bring back the cane, and compensate me for getting a wife and i will do my bit to populate Australia.

All that's missing is a sprog allowance for all the little kiddies, and i would have been a polygamist.

Trumpet Blower: P3 Orion Upgrade

2007-10-25T11:25:00.000+09:30

Since there is no one out there willing to blow my trumpet, and believe me I've been looking for a while, i decided that a bit of self service is required.

One of my projects has hit the skies a few weeks ago, the upgrade of the RAAF AP-3C Orion fleet to include a Tactical Data link. It made the news in my little corner of the world, and was subsequently ignored by everyone, which is the way it should be. Anyway, this is one of the projects that i am currently managing.

Royal Australian Air Force (RAAF) AP-3C Orion aircraft are now even better placed to support Coalition operations in the Middle East, with the introduction of real time video links to support ground forces. The Tactical Common Data Link (TCDL) provides ground commanders a valuable real time aerial view of their surrounding environment.

Anyway, now that I've blown myself, i can get back to work. Was it good enough for you?

Ugly Aircraft

2007-10-25T11:05:00.000+09:30

We're having an airshow on the weekend, two days of gawping at "Those Magnificent Men and their Flying Machines" I've volunteered, so i will be the respectable face of my company on Saturday afternoon.

Anyway, in commemoration, I had added some photos of some truly ugly aircraft for your viewing disgust. When it comes to ugly aircraft, historically the Russians have taken the title.

Anyway, more ugliness to follow, and possibly some pics of me looking respectable at the airshow, and pretending i know what the hell i am talking about.

Comments Galore: Thank You Beautiful Fans

2007-10-24T15:53:00.000+09:30

Got my third comment today. Thank you fans, thank you fans, you're all beautiful. Of course one of them was the blogging equivalent of unsolicited junk mail:

"Buy this amazing powder and watch your muscles grow".

Idiot! I like my muscles just they way they are. In fact i have no need for muscles, except the one that counts, the one that gets commenter's like Kylie, see below, positively swooning. I am speaking of course of my brain.

Yes Minister: Opinion Polls

2007-10-23T11:25:00.000+09:30

Anyway, apparently The ALP has an election winning lead, just like the last two elections. According to the latest opinion polls at least.

Kevin Rudd, Nose Pick

2007-10-23T10:37:00.000+09:30

Apparently this little nugget is even more important that Kevin Rudd's policies, and could sound the death knell for his leadership aspirations. If it is, then we are all going to hell, and deserve to be there.

As an election stunt though, it shows a certain style and individuality that we should all aspire to.

I mean, it's not as if he is picking his nose, or farting in your general direction. I, like all other people who are appalled at this behaviour have never picked my nose, or farted in public. That would be too crass and common, and whilst I'm living in the world of the common people,

Where you can live in a love of the common people,
Smile from the heart of a family man.
Daddy's gonna buy you a dream to cling to,
Mama's gonna love you just as much as she can
and she can.

Sometimes I talk so much crap, i wonder how i can even live with myself. Breaking into song with eighties John Paul young Lyrics, there should be a law against it.

Great Debate

2007-10-22T14:46:00.000+09:30

Looks like Labor won the great debate, at least that is what the consensus says. And I'm all for consensus', they are after all never wrong, just take global warming. Didn't bother watching the debate, I figured I would spend time with the lovely lass, doing things that are definitely unmentionable in this forum, and the worm could decide for me. Thank god for the worm, imagine if I'd actually had to think. Although I am a bit confused, cause the worm said Rudd, but the Automatic Vote-A-Matic says that I am a Liberal, with a hint of democrat. What to do?

Went to Kevin07.com.au, and as you can imagine, they are just giddy, even defining worm in Rudd's honour;

Worm stands for... written by Henry, October 22, 2007

W-orld O-f R-udd's M-uscle or W-elcoming O-ur R-udd M-use or W-ords O-f R-udd's M-ission

Worm stands for... written by Henry, October 22, 2007
W-eapon O-f R-udd's M-astery

I like the first definition, if it were true that is, we need more leaders with muscle, where have all the muscle bound leaders gone? Genghis Khan probably never had a tax policy! When the leadership death matches are on, muscles will count. We need more leaders in the Schwarts-an-ham-an-egg-an-burger mould. You can't lie about muscle whereas you can gloss over any bad points of your tax policy.

For Love or Boats?!

2007-10-22T14:31:00.000+09:30

Listen baby girl, I ain't got a motorboat but I can float your boat.

The Way I Are by Timbaland (feat. Keri Hilson, D.O.E.)

This is the state of modern lyrical poetry, it's complete and utter crap, but i do agree with fine sentiment, if the boats worth floating then I'm interested. Girls without boats are just not interesting enough, they lack a certain depth of personality, and in fact are quite shallow. Marrying for love is a fine sentiment, but you can't measure love, which makes it either worthless or the most valuable thing on earth. With boats, there is no doubt, marry for love or boats it's your choice, with a boat least you know what you are getting.

The Monkey Done it.

2007-10-22T14:27:00.000+09:30

Been reading the news on the web, and it appears the deputy mayor of new Delhi has been killed by a horde of crazy monkeys.

The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi died on Sunday after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.
SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys.

And we think we have problems here, with our Cane toads, at least they can't kill you, all they do is gross you out for a while, but then again, some people like them. I hear there are people that get high licking cane toads.

Anyway, in order to solve the monkey crisis, they have come up with a "killer solution"

One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus macaques.

It's like a monkey arms race. They replace one killer monkey, with another big, stronger, trained monkey. Wonder what will happen when the trained monkeys turn on the handlers. Religion is a funny thing I tell you;

Culling is seen as unacceptable to devout Hindus, who revere the monkeys as a manifestation of the monkey god Hanuman, and often feed them bananas and peanuts.

Essentially what they are saying is, we can't kill our god monkeys, that we feed bananas and peanuts, but we can hire and train big super ferocious monkeys to beat the living crap out of them. Well whatever keeps your god happy I suppose.

The Worm, or The Economy. You Decide

2007-10-19T11:59:00.000+09:30

I am gonna make it official. The Liberals have won round one. Come on big Kev, show us what you got. Now for round two.

In other News, went to the Kevin07 web page, to get a feel for the priorities of the labor party, and there, front and center, was the worm.

Whereas at Liberal HQ, they're still harping on about the economy. As if that's actually important.

Week one, the worm, or the economy, it's all about priorities, I tell you. And I've got mine, it's beer o'clock.

Ciao Loco.

Engineerish or Gibberish

2007-10-19T11:41:00.000+09:30

Spent a few productive days doing engineering type work. I had thought i was an ex engineer, turned project manager, but then i got contracted out to do engineering work. He moves in mysterious ways.

First stumbling block, reading Design Deviations and other proposals, and trying to pretend that the language I'm reading is English. It isn't, it's engineerish, which to the untutored eye is akin to gibberish. Must say something about me, that i no longer understand engineerish. Spent a whole day interpreting engineerish into English, so i can write a response, in English, which i then have to convert to engineerish, so my fellow engineers can understand me.

Numbers should not have letters in them people, just like words don't have numbers in them, unless you're talking algebra, and when was the last time you heard anyone talking algebra.

"Scuse me sir, could you direct me to the nearest toilet"

"Well my little sprog, let x = the distance from here to the corner. Walk 4x in an easterly direction, turn through 3y, where y represents 90 degrees, then walk ...."

It never happens. Engineerish is a language invented by nerds who think it makes them sound smart, thus attracting a certain type of girl. People, there aren't enough of that type of girl to make it worthwhile, and to the rest of us, you sound like a git.

Thanks god this is only a temporary contract, then I can go back to project management, which merely involves yelling and screaming at people, using appropriately colourful language until they accept that your point of view is the only one that counts.

Election Priorities

2007-10-19T11:37:00.000+09:30

How are all you Aussies out there doin'.

Getting ready for the big election fight no doubt. I'm excited, I call it "free sh*t time", not election time. The names and faces might change, I don't care, as long as I get my "free sh*t".

Thinking I might start a family soon so I can get this baby bonus thing, buy a house so I can get a grant, and if labor gets in, I can fit it with solar panels, water tanks and other green initiatives to power my subterranean bunker in the event the big one gets dropped. In defence they think of nu-cular bombs as a whole lot of sunshine, so looking on the bright side, when the big one comes, I'll be able to power my bunker for months, based on the one surge that melts my solar panels, and then emerge into a world that is finally free of Capitalism, Globalisation, Overpopulation and Newcastle Knights supporters. It pays to, in the words of "Lord Baden Powell" Be Prepared! Of course this utopia will probably have other problems, like global hunger, poverty, disease (new exciting post nu-cular super viruses and bacteria), but at least we will have licked this whole Global Warming thing, which is the important thing, isn't it?!

Do you get the baby bonus if you adopt, or do I actually have to hold someones hand whilst she delivers our little bundle of lifetime expenses and commitment? Might be worth looking into!

Federal Erection Stunt .....

2007-10-16T11:56:00.000+09:30

It's election time, time to let the blood run free. Most impressed with the free money (admittedly i had to earn it, then give it to them, so they can give it back free, but hey it's like the fifty bucks you find in your other pants) that the liberals have decided to throw in my direction. I like the smell, the feel, the texture of money. People say money can't buy you happiness, but I still reckon you can still have a lot of fun trying, or at least get distracted from any petty issues like, um mm, sadness.

Ball is now in the ALP's court, show me the money. Oh, and get Julia to mention the Karma Sutra again, I got a one track mind, which means I can't think about both the Karma Sutra and money at the same time. I suspect i might have gotten the wrong idea, but i like the idea of someone with more positions than the Karma Sutra. If you want my vote, you gotta listen to me, the number one constituent. Show me the the money, or show us your other electioneering assets.

Now that the erection has been called, it's time to pull out all the erection stunts.

Goin to Vegas

2007-10-11T11:35:00.000+09:30

Going to Vegas, 45% of respondents think my best chance of getting a wife is to get drunk in Vegas and hope for the best. Wonder if i should take the new girlfriend along, or will she just complicate things. Things just aren't as simple as they used to be two months ago when all i had to worry about was myself.

Thank God for Non-Believers.

2007-10-11T11:10:00.000+09:30

Apparently this is meant to be a fallow year for all Jewish personages. Every seven years, under Judaism the land is to lie fallow, to give it a breather, to allow it to recover. No crops are to be planted, and if you own orchards, you have to let the fruit fall naturally before you attempt eat it.

Makes you wonder how Jewish people survived. Well, wonder no more, it all comes down to who owns the land. This whole fallow thing applies only to Jews, obviously, so you can feel free to eat whatever has been planted, grown and harvested on the land of non-believer. Hey, and if you're a Jewish landowner, whose income and livelihood is threatened by year of fallowness, whilst the non-believing schmuck next door reaps what he sows, well there is a solution. Just sell your land to the non-believer for one dollar for one year, and for that year you can reap what he sows on your behalf. Thank god for non-believers.

I personally don't believe in any gods, but i like to think that if i did, he would be smart enough to see through this little bit of religio-political deception. Dunno I like my omnipotent, omni-cognisant gods to actually know whats going on.

Heard the one about usury, well apparently under Islam, usury is bad, can't go borrowing or lending money, which kind of makes certain things like buying a house or car difficult, you know without the ability to get a loan. Fear not, Islamic banks get around this by buying the car/house for you, renting it back to you for say 30 years (in the case of a house), and then at the end of that time they give you the house. Dunno about you but it sounds like a loan by any other name.

Sometimes i think we show an incredible lack of respect for the intelligence of our gods.

Automatic Vote-A-Matic

2007-10-10T21:19:00.000+09:30

Just went to the news.com.au Vote-A-Matic machine thingy on the web.
Check it out here, apparently I'm a Liberal/National voter, with a hint of Democrats. Oh, well, I can forget all about the election now, "machine says Liberals", pity, i was looking forward to a few more election stunts before making my final choice.

Any of you guys find it funny that a web page that tells what your voting preferences are is titled "2007 You Decide," like I always say, "I can take a joke as well as the next guy!"

I Couldabeen A Politician

2007-10-10T19:52:00.000+09:30

That's right, I Couldabeen a Polly, and a damn sight better one than these clowns. There's a time to blow your trumpet, and a time have "a nice mug of shut the f*ck up" Listen to these clowns:

FOUR days before the fifth anniversary of the Bali bombings which killed 88 Australians, Labor wants to spare the bombers from the death penalty. Opposition foreign affairs spokesman Robert McClelland last night attacked John Howard for supporting the death penalty for the bombers.

Robby, Robby, Robby! Robby me lad, word from the wise, if you actually wanna win the election shut your trap. And don't give me that, I'd rather be correct than politically correct. You can be correct after you win the election, be politically correct before if you intend to win.

THE Howard Government yesterday slammed the door shut on refugees from Africa. Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews said that no more Africans would be allowed into Australia under the humanitarian refugee program until at least July next year. And he said there were no guarantees any Africans would be accepted in the next intake. Announcing a move critics slammed as simplistic and inhumane, Mr Andrews said the program's quota for Africans had already been filled.

Johnny Johnny Johnny, expected better from you and the boys. What's with this we have enough Africans already crap your man is going on about. Hey, I happen to agree that Australians will decide who comes to Australia and the manner in which they come here, can't fault you on that, but dude, your boys gotta at least pretend like it's a fair system (whether he believes it or not). This whole we only want a better class of refugee just doesn't gel with me. Next it will be the old white Ozzie policy, followed quickly by the "go back to Africa policy", or at least that's what me and the rest of my brown brethren will start thinking.

I Couldabeen a Polly, and i woulda bin a goodwon to.

Call The Friggin' Election Already

2007-10-10T19:30:00.000+09:30

Respect to our fearless leader John Winston Howard, but call this Aussie Federal election ASAP. Getting a bit worried here that the longer he leaves it before calling the election I will not have enough time to:

Decide whether the Greens Drug policies make more or less sense than they did last time. Won't affect my vote, but will provide some comic relief, we need fringe parties after all, though I'm still waiting for the Fringe Benefits. My advice to Bob Brown and the rest of the greens, get a gig at the Adelaide Fringe Festival, the Fringe Festival has become more mainstream, the same might be possible for you;
Not be able to assess the free stuff hey offer. The last few elections have provided the first home buyers grant, the baby bonus, and this election promises solar power and water tank benefits. Call the election already so i can assess my free shit options. Aint pickin' a side til i know what's in it for me;
Figure out whether we actually have an Australian Labour, or are they trying to steal the Nationals seats in the Coalition. Stop agreeing with each other dammit, show us what you got, at the moment it's a choice between more of the same, and um steering the same tried and tested course;
Plan that weekend bender. Of course every weekend is a bender, hence i need as much notice to ensure that i can bend around the requirement to vote.

Good Post Coming Soon

2007-10-03T15:21:00.000+09:30

Just so y'all know i am still alive and kicking, all zero of my regular readers and all, i thought I better add something.

So here it is.

Ciao locos

Young Folks

2007-08-22T17:57:00.000+09:30

Is this the greatest song out at the moment? I think so!

Artist: Peter Bjorn And John

Title: Young Folks

Album: Writer’s BlockYear: 2006Title: Young Folks
Young Folks Peter Bjorn lyric

If i told you things i did before
told you how i used to be
would you go along with someone like me
if you knew my story word for word
had all of my history
would you go along with someone like me

Why We should Love America

2007-08-16T21:43:00.000+09:30

Interesting article on news.com.au on why Australians should love America. Oh-Kay. Not sure about you, but when someone tries to give me reasons why i should love, let alone like someone i get suspicious. It's like your mum telling you that little Joey in primary school is so nice, why won't you play with him.

Not me, i choose to hate everyone equally, well every country that is. Don't have time to break them down into manageable country sized chunks. No Siree, whatever country you're from, I hate it about as much as i hate any other country, which is marginally less than i hate Australia, where I live, which i love. Don't that make you feel special.

Of course every now and then some despotic dictator will do something completely insane, after which i might feel inclined to give you a little more attention in the hate department. The country that is, not the people, since people are generally a lot more intelligent than your average mob, and most countries are just above average mobs.

So anyway, why exactly are we exhorted to love America? Well apparently there are block parties (nice), ethinic diversity (nice):

Hipsters and the homeless, crackheads and old Jewish eccentrics mingle on every corner.

Uhh, oklay, enough of the positives, what about the negatives.

Well the article doesn't really go into those, we are after all being exhorted to love thy American. Fair enough. As long as they are prevented from travelling in Mobs, that being more than 3 in any group, i like to keep the intelligence levels up.

P.S. I'm confused, were old Jewish eccentrics meant to be a positive or a negative, in my view hipsters are the scourge of mankind, crackheads are self explanatory, homeless are well victims of circumstance and definitely not a shining light representing a city. So what does that mean about old Jewish Eccentrics, since they apparently keep such esteemed company. Well we all know eccentric means money, so as far as i am concerned, they're Aight!

Useless tip of the Day: How to Make a Diaper Wreath

2007-08-16T17:30:00.000+09:30

Nothing says I love you like a wreath made of diapers. And if you really love the person, you can make make an impression by using used diapers. Just so you get that eau de toddler effect. Well I sh*t you not, now you can make your very own, Thanks to Google/Wiki how tip of the day!

I only joined Google cause everyone else was, and i knew if i didn't people would think i was some idiot, with no virtual friends who could not afford the free google membership. When in actual fact, I am so rich in both virtual friends and money, that i could afford to waste my entire day on google. Bet not many of you can say that.

Anyway, collect your diapers people, once you've mastered the diaper wreath, advanced students can move onto the diaper cake. I can hardly contain myself people. What on earth did we do before the "World Wide World of Web"

Israel fears masks may spook Syria

2007-08-15T21:19:00.000+09:30

Type the following phrase into Google "Israel + pre-emptive" and you get a whole lot of reasons why you don't want the Israeli's to pre-emptively be doing anything. Historically, and with only one notable situation (that being the Yom Kippur/Ramadan/October War of 1973), whenever it's neighbours have undertaken provocative military manoeuvres, the Israeli's have pre-emptively put the foot down, and a few weeks later the Middle East was a different place.

So with the Syrians apparently overseeing the biggest military build up in decades, with the most sophisticated anti-tank/aircraft missiles the Russians can sell, the fact that Israel won't distribute gas masks, as a pre-emptive measure for fear of being too provocative is somewhat puzzling.

Syria has in the past year undertaken a significant build-up of its armed forces that for the first time in decades gives it a military potential Israel must take seriously, including numerous ground-to-ground missiles capable of striking anywhere in Israel, including Tel Aviv.

Tel Aviv newspaper Yediot Achronot reported that Syria, to offset Israel's air superiority, had the densest array of anti-aircraft missile batteries in the world, including the latest models coming off Russian production lines.
The Syrian army has been carrying out intensive manoeuvres and has built up its forces opposite the Golan Heights. It has also equipped itself with new Russian anti-tank missiles that can penetrate tank armour.

The World is an Amazing place.

Hanson to oppose Islamic immigration

2007-08-15T20:44:00.000+09:30

It's election time again, and once again, we have Hanson to provide the comic relief. I can't wait, apparently she plans to run on a similar platform to the last few elections, except this time "Islamic People" are the devil.

The former One Nation leader has also applied to the Australian Electoral Commission to register Pauline's United Australia Party. If successful, the party's abbreviated name, Pauline, will appear above the line on the Senate ballot paper, making it easier for people to vote for Ms Hanson

The other benefit is that those who don't want to vote for here will know exactly which party she represents and which politician's are brave enough to be associated with her.

Anyway, wonder if she will re-hash any of her old policies, I especially liked the one about printing more money. I can always use more money. And whilst printing money to get a nation out if it's financial woes was derided the last time it was on her policy agenda, this time she is in good company, the "Right Honourable Comrade Robert Gabriel Mugabe"

Mugabe said his government would print money to help it ride over its economic problems - including food, fuel and foreign currency shortages and the world's highest inflation rate, which he blames on Western sanctions and intermittent droughts.

The only issue is whether she is willing to be in the esteemed political company of a brown person, and take a few of his other policies, like accusing the British of trying to re-colonise Australia.

Cult of Personality; Kevin07

2007-08-07T18:27:00.000+09:30

Stop me when any of this starts to sound familiar.

Cult of personality or personality cult is a term for what is perceived to be excessive adulation of a single living leader. The term was coined by Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev soon after the death of Joseph Stalin, but the phenomenon as such is much older. The lifetime cult of Julius Caesar was deeply resented by patrician republicans; it paved the way for the imperial family cult of the Roman Empire.

So, what happened to the rest of the labor party, don't worry at least three of them got mentioned at Kevin07, one of them being Kama Sutra Julia. Anyway, lets hope he has not bitten off more than he can chew.

The Following posted at Kevin07! weblog:

Health written by John, August 07, 2007 Hi Kev, i know that you are going to restore our faith in the government by .....

Well, we all need to have our faith restored every now and then, but it's posts like this one below at Kevin07, that get me worried

Kevin and Church written by Liz, August 07, 2007 wrote ".....Keep the God factor Kevin and it will keep you true. What else would you have our society based on."

Well, were i Kevin, "Simple Logic would suffice", but since I'm not, i guess i will have to admit that a god of some description is gonna feature in this whole political debate. Hang on, why not make Kevin a god. I'm sure it's been done before, we can deify him, in fact, lets get a little apotheosis going on here:

Apotheosis is most commonly used to refer to the Roman pagan process whereby an Emperor, empress, hero or leader was recognized to be divine by decree of the Senate or popular consent.

Can't argue with that, it's a Consensus, even Matt Damon supports my case, for in the character of Bartelme, did he not quote Jesus as saying, "Whatever you hold true on earth, I will hold true in Heaven." Simple, it's Dogmatic Law. Lets skip past this whole cult of personality thing, and simply deify him.

And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Matthew 16:19

But I digress, exactly how long do you think it will be before Howard "Releases the Hounds". Cult of personality is fine when all is going well, but if the personality is vulnerable to attack, the whole crew goes down with the ship, and the yonder kapitain leads the way. I am guessing that is why Mr Consensus Builder Gore won't announce his candidacy until the last minute. I am predicting two things, the election will be called for 08, probably meaning that i have use my Christmas Holidays to vote, and secondly, shortly after the election is called "The Hounds Will Be Released"

So, anyone prepared to give me odds on "Howard08"

P.S. The latest date by which a combined House of Representatives and half Senate election must be held is 19 January 2008.

All The Way With JFK, I Mean Kev 07

2007-08-07T12:58:00.000+09:30

You, are gonna love this, whereas I on other hand am wearing my devil's advocate hat.

http://www.kevin07.com.au/

On his webpage where he talks about Global Warming/Climate Change, which are interchangeable, according to Kevvie, he has this to say

Climate change is the most pressing challenge we face in the new century. The effects of global warming are already hurting Australia, adding to the current drought. Yet we face even hotter and drier summers, the coral bleaching of the Great Barrier Reef, the loss of our snow fields, increasing droughts, less water for our cities and an increase in the number of devastating bushfires.

How he forgot to add "the disappearance of a random number of my black socks, some cheese going mouldy in my fridge and the fact that I have not had a date in over six month to the plethora of things attributable to Global Warming/Climate change is beyond me. But I suppose we are allowed to have differing priorities.

Did you know John Howard has had secret plans for 25 Nuclear Power stations from 1968, it's on the map therefore it must be true. Anyway, not entirely happy with those selected locations, so i have come up with a few alternates that require further investigation, the beauty of course of my selections is that there aren't any in Melbourne (I still call Melbourne, I still call Melbourne home), and there aren't any in Adelaide where i currently live:

1. LOCATION: SPRINGFIELD, NSW POSTCODE: 2250
2. LOCATION: SPRINGFIELD, NSW POSTCODE: 2630
3. LOCATION: SPRINGFIELD, VIC POSTCODE: 3434
4. LOCATION: SPRINGFIELD, VIC POSTCODE: 3531
5. LOCATION: SPRINGFIELD, QLD POSTCODE: 4300
6. LOCATION: SPRINGFIELD LAKES, QLD POSTCODE: 4300
7. LOCATION: SPRINGFIELD, QLD POSTCODE: 4871
8. LOCATION: SPRINGFIELD, SA POSTCODE: 5062
9. LOCATION: SPRINGFIELD, WA POSTCODE: 6525
10. LOCATION: SOUTH SPRINGFIELD, TAS POSTCODE
11. LOCATION: SPRINGFIELD, TAS POSTCODE: 7260

Springfield, the ultimate Nuclear Power plant waste dump site. And since i don't live anywhere near Spring field it officially becomes "Somebody Else's Problem", which of course is the best kind. Anyway, I have up until the election to start myself a little family. Might even invest in one of those instant family things, just add money (Like Madonna is doing in Malawi), although i am not sure you can adopt a wife. Once i have a family I will be well placed to take advantage of the:

$10,000 to help up to 200,000 families invest in solar and practical water and energy savings devices.

rebates of up to $500 for around 500,000 households across Australia to install rainwater tanks or grey water pipes.

They'll also receive a free "Green Renovations" pack which includes a water-efficient shower head and energy-efficient light globes.

I personally can't wait, if you add up $10,000 for green initiatives, $500 rebates for my household, the baby bonus for my instant family, first home buyers grant and energy efficient light bulbs, I am gonna be a multi-millionaire. This time next year i will definitely know what Truffles are, and how to spell "Fwois Grass" The light bulbs will definitely be a hit, I am sure Bunnings did it once, and they certainly know how to suck people in. By the way, did not all those grants i just mentioned get dreamed up during an election period. If we had more elections i could be a rich man.

There is just one thing that puzzles me, does this classify as an election stunt as part of the Stunt Election of 2007. Gonna have to watch the news this week, it ain't an election stunt until some politician/reporter calls it one.

kevin07

Aussies in the News.

2007-08-07T07:48:00.000+09:30

Checked the "Times of India" the other day, you know, so i could find out what's happening in the world's newest Nuclear power. The Aussies are big in the news, apart from the whole Haneef thing, and us agreeing to see Uranium to India whilst refusing to sell any to Pakistan, we are apparently a nation of insanely obese corpses.

More than two-third of Australians living outside major cities are overweight or obese, and extremely obese corpses are creating a safety hazard at mortuaries, according to two studies released on Sunday.

Apparently:

In the past year, there have also been requests for larger crematorium furnaces, bigger grave plots as well as super-sized ambulances, wheelchairs and hospital beds.

I blame the Liberal Government for not legislating good eating habits and thus super sizing us all!

Australia Post

2007-08-06T21:54:00.000+09:30

In Australia it's illegal to post

Registered philatelic articles with fictitious addresses;
Goods bearing the name "Anzac";
Used bedding;

What the .... is a philatelic article with a fictitious address? Is that a letter you send with a fake address, so the receipient may or may not receive it?

Used Bedding. Never realised we needed such tight controls on the posting of used bedding, but i feel so much better that whatever regulator is responsible for making that decision is on the case.

2007 Year of the Federal Stunt Election

2007-08-03T08:31:00.000+09:30

The election hasn't even been called yet, and already I am getting sick of it all. Why is it that every policy decision or change in policy direction made in an election year is an election stunt. The other day I had this brainwave that I would try and count the number of times the phrase "election stunt" was used in the media by either politicians or the news media. My friend Mr Google threw up so many responses from the last three months that I could not cope, and gave up. Even Tampa was invoked as a pre-election stunt, with reference to the coming election. Tampa was like 500 years ago dammit.

This morning with reference to the Federal Government taking over the Mercy hospital in Tasmania, which as pre-election stunts go was pretty spectacular I might add, Julia Gillard actually invoked the Karma Sutra when describing Tony Abbott's latest pre-election stunt. The Karma Sutra, I tell you. Now let it be known that I have no problem with Julia Gillard discussing the Karma Sutra, in fact this line of discussion should be openly encouraged, but why she had to spoil it by mentioning Tony Abbott is beyond me. In fact from now on, I reckon every response Julia Gillard makes to interview questions should be Karma Sutra, or should include the phrase Karma Sutra. For one thing my interest would be peaked, take the following example of a Door Stop interview between Julia Gillard and an un-named journalist:

Julia GillardDoorstop Interview Transcript - Parliament House, Canberra - 17th August 2005 E & OE

JOURNALIST: On another issue there is a group of Coalition MPs who are agitating for changes to the Broadcast Act to give the Communications Minister the power to pull off inappropriate material on free to air television, do you think it is appropriate for a politician to be arbiter of things like that?

JULIA GILLARD: This is a matter at the end of the day, to be dealt with by our Karma Sutra spokesperson but as I understand it we have expert advisory groups on Karma Sutra issues for good reason.

JOURNALIST: What do you estimate that black hole to be, that you are talking about, to be at?

JULIA GILLARD: Well certainly there has been a Karma Sutra hole punched of $237 million as a result of the back flip on one medication, Lipitor. If Minister Abbott makes any further exemptions the Karma Sutra hole will just get bigger and what we fear is Treasurer Costello, when he stops yawning during Minister Abbott's speeches, will tell him to fill that Karma Sutra hole by further cuts in health.

JOURNALIST: Are the Coalition MPs who are pushing for changes to the Broadcast Act, are they prudes in your view?

JULIA GILLARD: I wouldn't want to comment Karma Sutra's not my area of policy directly but I am sure Senator Conroy will only be too pleased to tell you all about it.

JOURNALIST: Have you seen it, the program they are talking about, what are your personal thoughts?

JULIA GILLARD: And they are talking about…?

JOURNALIST: Big Brother.

JULIA GILLARD: I am not a Karma Sutra aficionado. I am more a watcher of The Karma Sutra actually and I would have to say I think it is a tragedy it has been taken off Saturday nights and we have only one episode of The Karma Sutra per week. I have seen little bits of Karma Sutra and Karma Sutra Uncut but I really haven't got a view to put today about censorship matters, they are really matters for Senator Conroy.

Anyway, I am predicting that the whole mercy hospital thing will become John Howard's Tasmanian Forest Issue of this election. Recall that at the last election, Tasmanian Forests effectively killed Mark Latham's Leadership chances, where he pissed off both the lumberjacks and greens. After Latham's visit to old growth forests in Tasmania, he was filmed standing next to Bob Brown who had this to say about how Latham related to the forest:

"It was as if a veil had come down over his face," Brown says. "A reporter would ask, 'What do you think of this one, Mr Latham?' And he'd shrug and say, 'It's a big tree.' When we got to the cave tree, he just said, 'It's a big tree with a hole in it.'

"It was a studied, desultory response. He was not responding to me. It was as if he was saying, 'I am not going to be shown to relate' - not just to me, but to the forests."

John Howard on the other hand actually had the lumberjacks dancing and singing his praises:

I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.

Anyone who can make a policy to cut down trees sound both green and economically sound, and then prove it wasn't a fluke by getting doctors, nurses and patients dancing and singing about his "Election Stunt" to take over a decrepit, run down hospital, is a master in my books. In one fell swoop, he made himself look strong, and the state labour government look incompetent. It remains to be seen whether the public will see this as the example of "Stunt Electioneering" that it is, or will actually get sucked in!

All hail John Winston Howard, Election Stunt Master Extra-ordinaire.

In closing, "I wonder if they use stunt doubles in all their election stunts?"

Essay: The Arctic, The Final Frontier

2007-08-02T20:20:00.000+09:30

This week marked the silent passing of a momentous milestone in the field of exploration. Two Russian mini-submarines have reached the seabed below the North Pole on a mission aimed at boosting Moscow's claims to the Arctic, reports say.

The west largely ignored it, whilst the Russians lauded it as an event equal to putting a man on the moon. Same event, different reactions, I wonder why that is!

The missions are more about securing natural resources, than the more traditional lofty goals of climbing Mt Everest simply because it's there, or overcoming the embarrassment of not being the first to send a man into space. Every ten or so years, we hear dire predictions about "Peak Oil" and how our reliance on fossil fuels is ultimately unsustainable. Peak oil refers to modelling and prediction of when the peak of the world's petroleum production rate will be reached, meaning that the end is in sight for fossil fuels. The models have traditionally had limited accuracy as they have not been able to accurately predict the discovery of new oil fields or efficiency gains in the extraction, processing and use of petroleum. Accuracy of modelling/predicting aside we have to acknowledge that at some point in the future we will run out of fossil fuels.

Well the Russians have taken the first step to ensuring that at least in their case, that date is as far into the future as possible. The Arctic, together with the Antarctic is believed to hold vast reserves of fossil fuels, the control of which will grant the owner much power, influence and wealth. If we ever have to live through "Peak Oil's" dire predictions, without viable alternate sources of power, the Polar zones will be a major feather in our caps. Make no mistake, if economies start to fail due to scarcity of petroleum, if the west is forced to reduce it's standard of living to a level not seen for generations, or the Russians and Chinese (who only now are beginning to enjoy the prosperity the west has known for decades) are forced to halt their economic advances, "the shit will hit the fan." If we fail to achieve a sustainable way to maintain our standard of living, or improve the lot of ountries in need, all of our eyes will turn to the north and south.

Melting polar ice in the Arctic has led to competing claims over who owns vast areas of the Arctic. Ownership, and thus control of this region is set to become an important issue, more important than in the past where everyone could afford to regard the polar ice caps as wilderness areas best left alone. Consulting a map of the region, bbc.net has one here and another here, reveals how complex the issue is. Not gonna bore you with any more of my rambling ruminations, but I will say this the world is about to become a much more interesting place, because unlike conquering space which has no real economic benefits in the near future, the Polar zones promise tangible benefits that the bean counters have already counted. This is an issue countries will not only beat their chests and rattle their sabres over, alliances will be borne and broken, carrier groups will maneuver and if the wrong answer is returned diplomacy will fail and cruise missiles will be fired. After all when it comes down to it, in today's world almost nothing is more important than defending the right of each countries citizens to continue to lead, or aspire to lead comfortable yet unsustainable lives. The world might only have one true superpower, but there are at least half a dozen emerging powers who with a little imagination could make our lives much more interesting if their interests were threatened.

Predictions:

The event will get about ten seconds air play in the west and will continue to be lauded as a major achievement in the east.
Whatever inches it receives in western print media will discuss it as a waste or time, an irrational, unconscionable and avaricious desire to control one of the world's last true wildernesses. If the Russians find evidence that their continental shelf extends under the Arctic, thus increasing their claim for a greater area, this too will be ignored.
The politicians and green groups will castigate the Russians, whilst slowly and surely all interested countries will draw their plans for the area.
Quietly, the diplomats of all interested parties will meet and work furiously to reach a negotiated settlement, because where it was once okay to view the polar areas as a resource to be saved for the future, once the first move has been made to formalise control, the game must be joined by all players.
The rest of us won't even be aware of what's going on, or how important it is which i suppose is for the best.

Ignorance is Bliss.

Arctic Russia Peak Oilantarctic petroleum

237 Reasons Why We Have Sex

2007-08-02T16:02:00.000+09:30

The mirror newspaper in the UK just published the reasons why we have sex, in the "Science Section", under "Top Stories" no less. Tis news to me, but apparently there are 237 of them. Although, not that i would doubt the epic 5 year effort that went into compiling, and no doubt researching this list, I suspect a certain amount of money was wasted. Looking at the top ten for men

You want to ask for a pay rise and what pops into your head? Sex.
Perhaps you're feeling a bit vengeful, in which case you'll be considering nookie just to give someone a nasty disease.
Or maybe you just want to get closer to God - the only answer is a bit of the other to make you feel much more spiritual.

Looking at the top reasons for men:

1 ATTRACTED to person
2 IT feels good
3 WANTED physical pleasure
4 IT'S fun
5 WANTED to show affection
6 SEXUALLY aroused
7 I was "horny."
8 WANTED to express my love
9 WANTED to have climax
10 WANTED to please partner.

I can't help but think that numbers 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, all amount to the same thing i.e. "I was horny" A similar thing can be found with the top ten reasons for women. Can you believe that there are people who have sex to "get closer to god" , to "punish themselves" or "to end a relationship".

The world is an amazing place!

Peter Hitchens: Assault With Intent to Punctuate!

2007-08-02T13:37:00.000+09:30

To think Peter Hitchens actually gets paid for writing his column, obviously full stops and commas were on sale the day this article was written.

I am unlikely to get the chance myself, (Comma) but the next time this happens, (Comma) could those journalists present stop being overawed by uniform, (Comma)remember that these characters head the most ineffectual and useless police forces in British history, (Comma) and please ask them, (Comma) in detail, (Comma) exactly how this logic works?

--
I don't see it myself. (Full Stop) It doesn't appear to me to follow. (Full Stop) We arrest people on suspicion of wrongdoing. (Full Stop) If they have done something wrong, (Comma) it won't take 90 days to produce enough evidence to lay a charge. (Full Stop)

It doesn't matter how interesting the remainder of the article is, after overdosing on commas and full stops in the first 3 paragraphs, it's physically impossible for me to read the rest, for fear of being assaulted by wayward punctuation.

Global Warming: You have all been Terror-graphed

2007-08-02T09:58:00.000+09:30

Torres Strait islands at Risk from Global Warming

You have all been terror-graphed, which is my way of saying "someone is about to pull the wool over your eyes" In the mad rush to attribute everything to "Global Warming" the Daily Telegraph, in the same story mind you manages to say that the "Sinking" of the "Torres Strait Islands" is due to Global Warming.

Idiots.

Global Warming is supposed to cause the sea levels to rise, not the land to sink. The mistake the Telegraph made here is in not consulting Tim Flannery, who has somehow managed to morph from a mammologist and palaeontologist to Australia's foremost expert on Climate. That's okay, I can take a joke. If Flanners can be Australia's foremost Palaeontologist on Global Warming, then I am Australia's foremost Aeronautical Engineer on Feminine Hygiene. Someone got terror-graphed there too.

In other Global Warming related news, i recently discovered that "Global Warming" is responsible for me having an uneven number of black socks in my sock draw and has been drinking milk directly out of the the 2 litre milk carton in the fridge. Hey, since i am the only one living in my house, that represents a consensus, and as such "Case Closed" You won't see that in the "Daily Telegraph" oh no! No women, children or cute furry animals were involved.

global warming Tim Flannery

Haneef told to flee in webchat

2007-08-01T13:49:00.000+09:30

A week ago I stated that I smelled a rat in this whole Haneef Visa Cancellation thing. Well this week, I can tell you that I think there may have been a miscarriage of justice. If the information in the papers is true, then Haneef should have been detained and should still be imprisoned. It appears that he may have been released, purely based on public outrage, which in turn was based on an absence of facts rather than the merits of the case.

From news.com.au

"Importantly, there was ... a chat room conversation with Dr Haneef's brother in India on the afternoon before his attempted hasty departure from Australia," Mr Andrews said, citing a record of the second police interview with Dr Haneef.

"In it, the brother of Haneef, Shoaib, says 'nothing has been found out about you' and asked when Dr Haneef would be getting out, to which Haneef replied 'today'.

'Do not tell them anything else'

"The brother asked whether he had permission to take leave and what he told the hospital.

"Dr Haneef said he told them his baby was born in an emergency caesarean. "The brother told him to 'tell them that you have to leave as you have a daughter born, do not tell them anything else'.

"The brother then said not to delay his departure and not to let anyone else use his number in Australia, nor to give it to anyone.

"The brother added that 'auntie' told him that brother Kafeel used it in some sort of project over there," Mr Andrews said, in a reference to UK bombing accused Kafeel Ahmed.

Mr Andrews said Dr Haneef had not applied for leave until after receiving two phone calls, including one from India in which he was told there was an issue with the SIM card he had lent to his cousin Sabeel Ahmed, arrested in connection with the plot to bomb Park Lane in London and Glasgow airport.

"The whole circumstances surrounding Haneef's attempted hasty departure from Australia, including chatroom conversations, when viewed against his clear prior association with the Ahmed brothers, led me to form a reasonable suspicion as required by the migration legislation," Mr Andrews said.

Now, to my mind, the information above is not enough to confirm guilt or innocence, but is definitely enough to detain someone whilst investigations continue. I can only hope it turns out that he was innocent, and that we don't have some preventable incident occurring because he was released. and don't give me some twaddle about innocent until proven guilty, we murderers, thieves, rapists whilst we assess their guilt, the fact that someone is imprisoned does not mean the presumption of innocence has been forfeited.

haneef chat

RISE OF THE MACHINES - Stanley the Ultimate Power Tool

2007-08-01T09:33:00.000+09:30

Flee for your lives people, the age of autonomous Robot is now upon us, and they are getting paid. Obviously raising money as part of a nefarious plot (the only worthwhile type of plot in my view) to take over the world.

"Stanley" Pictured on the left may look like just a humble 4WD (SUV to our American Brethren), but this little sucker is actually the first a robotic vehicle ever to complete the DARPA grand challenge, a challenge where inventors create an autonomous ground vehicle that will save American lives on the battlefield. To be honest saving American Lives is a noble, yet secondary goal for me, more importantly i want to know when i get Stanley to drive me home from the Pub on a Sunday morning. Is he available for wedding, parties, anything.

Stanley, the Ultimate Power Tool.

Oh, and how the heck does "Red Bull" manage to get their logo on all the winningest things.

DARPA

US 'plans stealth shark spies'

2007-08-01T08:42:00.000+09:30

Via news.bbc.net

Sharks with implants are planned to be released off Florida Pentagon scientists are planning to turn sharks into "stealth spies" capable of tracking vessels undetected, a British magazine has reported. They want to remotely control the sharks by implanting electrodes in their brains, The New Scientist says.

This puts me in mind of a radical plan I had to use "Armoured Wombats". Rather than electrodes, i envisaged psychotropic drugs to drive them mental, airdropping them amongst the enemy and having them run amok smashing enemy armour. Anyone who has ever hit a wombat on a freeway will know they cause serious damage. Alas the Aussie defence department vetoed my idea, stating "If Aussies won't eat Roos, they won't abide "Suicidal Wombats". I beg to differ!!

Sometimes i despair at the lack of foresight of our military and political leaders. I blame John Howard, clearly by rejecting my plan he has indicated he is not willing to make the hard decisions as they relate to national security.

At this point we should recall the US Navy's other animal success stories

The US Navy's mine-clearing dolphins have been the surprise media stars of the Iraq war, but they have not exactly won over Australian divers working alongside them.The polite way to express their scepticism about the mine-clearing skills of the dolphins is to question their reliability and cost efficiency, but there is another way to put it."Flipper's fucked, mate," was how one diver saw things yesterday."The dolphins have had all this amazing publicity, but as soon as they put one in the water it shot through. There's a war going on and Flipper goes AWOL.”

Iraq in historic Asian Cup win - Goodonya from Aus

2007-07-31T15:48:00.000+09:30

Via Aljazeera.net

Anyone that continues to believe that Iraqi Kurds, Sunnis and Shia can't work together need only look at Iraq's historic first win in "The Asian Cup".
--
Abdul-Ilah As-Saadi, an Iraqi based in Doha, Qatar, said: "It was magic. We could have scored 10 goals. It has brought all Iraqis together, I have been getting calls from all over the world."
--
A big hearty Goodonya from the most fair dinkum Aussie in the land of Aus.

Convict blood in 6m Aussies, Brits

2007-07-31T13:10:00.000+09:30

MORE than 4 million Australians and 2 million Britons are related to convicts deported from Britain to Australia in the 18th and 19th centuries, genealogists said today.

Australia, the only country openly proud of it's convict heritage.

They included stealing fish from a river or pond, embezzlement, receiving or buying stolen goods, setting fire to underwood or petty theft.

As a new age Australian citizen (not related in any way to convicts), i think a survey needs to be done into the mental trauma suffered by new arrivals forced to live among the ancestors of fish thieves, embezzlers or pyro-maniacs with an underwood fetish. Surely if the proposal is worded properly, and the words "Global Warming" and "Climate Change" are included in the Masters thesis proposal, some young aussie gun can get this funding approved.

Sex with meat eaters shunned

2007-07-31T12:34:00.000+09:30

A group of New Zealand vegans - people who do not eat any animal products - are shunning sex with meat eaters, claiming their bodies are made up of animal carcases, a researcher said in a newspaper today."When you are vegan or vegetarian, you are very aware that when people eat a meaty diet, they are kind of a graveyard for animals," vegan Nichola Kriek told the Christchurch daily The Press.

Another said: "I would not want to be intimate with someone whose body is literally made up from the bodies of others who have died for their sustenance."Annie Potts, co-director of the New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies at Canterbury University, identified the people she called "vegansexuals" in her research study, Cruelty-Free Consumption in New Zealand: A National Report on the Perspectives and Experiences of Vegetarians and other Ethical Consumers.

The world has gone crazy. What i want to know is, who do i turn to when "my local member" gets rejected based on the fact that he is a meatosaurus comprising the carcasses of other animals? I do after all need to prepare for every eventuality.

Weekly Horrorscope by A Guy Called Nostrildamus

2007-07-31T11:44:00.000+09:30

Tuesday 31 July 07
--
This John Winston Howard, flush from his recent Birthday trip to East Timor, will be forced to deny that he had anything to do with the Dr Mohammed Haneef Incarceration for terrorism. He will further be forced to deny that he influenced the Commonwealth Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) in his review of the case and that he was aware of the existence of the DPP or what his role is. It's called culpable deniablility.
--
This week noone will be held accountable for releasing Dr Haneef's private details, including e-mail adsdresses, home adresses of family members, mobile phone numbers and other private detrails, including that hisf avourite colour is not purple, when his lawyer leaked his interview transcript to the media.
--
Aguycalledbrad will fail to be acknowledged as the individual who had this transcript removed from The Age and Australian Web pages, when he pointed out to the editors that is was not fair include personal details of people not involved in the case, especially since Australia, like every other country has it's own fair share of nutcases ready to waive innocence until proven guilty based on a story in the "Daily Telegraph".
--
Ninety nine percent of Australians, including my friend Michelle who stayed up getting Asian Cup Quarter Finals highlights via text message from me (Australia Lost on penalties), will not be able to name the eventual finalists or the winner of the Asian Cup.
--
Should a Federal Election be called this week, as with the previous Federal election, all Liberal supporters will go into hiding in secret bunkers meaning it will be impossible to find anyone willing to admit they intend to vote Liberal.
--
At least three polls will be published showing that the Labor government holds an election winning lead, and would have been a shoo-in if the election had been held yesterday, last week, last weekend or whenever. None of these polls will mention that the same occured during the last three elections. No point undermining the credibility of a questionable poll with inconvenient historical facts or context.
--
Someone will suggest that Dr Haneef needs to sue the Commonwealth for damages. I know that i would.
--
Al Gore will again refuse to justify why his personal Carbon Footprint (excluding all the international air travel he does) is so much higher than the average Americans. The Truly Inconvenient Truth that GW Bush, has a much lower Carbon footprint than Gore will fail to be discussed at all in the media.
--
Collingwood will defeat whichever team they are playing.--
--
No Cute furry animals were harmed in producing this horrorscope.

haneef chat

One joint the same as five ciggies - study

2007-07-31T10:43:00.000+09:30

SMOKING a single cannabis joint has the same impact on breathing capacity as up to five cigarettes, according to a New Zealand study.

MM, if i had a dollar for every time Joe Potsmoker told me that smoking cigarettes was worse than pot, I would be a very slightly richer man. Might actually be able to afford to by those nice new .........

As with most research of this kind, it completely fails to include the financial impact of pot smoking, that being the cost of "the Munchies". All i can say is pot smoking must be akin to morning sickness, cause Joe Potsmoker will eat whatever is in the fringe, no matter how marginally edible it is. Not mention the memory issues (see this link for more):

Dear Cecil:
I know that this really isn't the type of thing that is asked about frequently, but I gotta ask. When someone smokes marijuana, they get the much-fabled "munchies." I know that this occurs, I am just at a loss as to why it does occur. What is the physiological reasons for this to occur? --Out of My Skull at Ohio University

Cecil replies:
You need to slack off on the ganja, bro. What you meant to ask was what the physiological reasons are. Also, you used "occur" three times in two sentences. Besides interfering with cognitive function, marijuana impairs short-term memory. Looks like yours can be measured in milliseconds.

---

Wonder how hard it was to get 399 volunteers for this study, and who financed it. But that is another story for another day.

Interesting Concept

2007-07-26T13:58:00.000+09:30

Received via e-mail from anonymous

I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, as I work on a mine site or a Kalgoorlie construction project, I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them??

Please understand – I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their arse drinking piss & smoking dope.
Could you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance cheque?????

Please pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along though, because something has to change in this country, and soon!

Alleged Raging Liberal Sends Birthday Wishes

2007-07-25T22:44:00.000+09:30

To the right honourable John Howard, fearless leader of the Carbonista's Republic of Australia, Happy Birthday Thursday 26th July.

Norway princess 'talks to angels'

2007-07-25T22:20:00.000+09:30

via news.bbc.co.uk

Norway's Princess Martha Louise says she has psychic powers and can teach people to communicate with angels.
--
What about Goblins, i feel that goblins are severely under-represented in today's psychic community. Surely they would have some advice on how to survive in today's society. I fear we don't have the right caliber of psychic these days.
--
Princess Martha Louise is fourth in line to the Norwegian throne.
The royal palace says it has no official link to the princess' planned alternative therapy centre, the AFP news agency reports.
--
No surprise there, I am guessing they are all quietly beefing up security on the top three in line for the throne.

Nowhere to go for Palestinian Refugees

2007-07-25T19:07:00.000+09:30

Tony Blair, and the Arab League may be able to negotiate a lasting peace in the Middle East, but with Hamas blocking the only crossing out of the Gaza Strip that does not pass through Israel, then stating that should the Israelis open their border crossing, as a Humanitarian gesture, it would be treated as a military target, i am somewhat sceptical.

Via news.bbc.com

The governor of North Sinai said he had funds to feed 3,000 Palestinians for three days and the Egyptian Red Crescent has promised food aid for a further 10 days, the French news agency reported.

Many of the Palestinians have no money to pay for food or lodging and are staying in mosques or sleeping in the open.

The Rafah crossing is the only way in or out of Gaza that does not pass through Israel - although when it is open the Israeli authorities monitor traffic electronically.

Israel has said another crossing into Gaza from its territory could be used, but Hamas has said it will treat that crossing as a military target if it is used.

Pray that statesman Blair and the rest of the Arab League can make a difference.

I Can't Be Expected to Work in These Conditions

2007-07-25T14:36:00.001+09:30

I can't be expected to work under these conditions. There's a hot looking girl doing some gardening in the car park. And if i walk to the end of the corridor, walk out two doors, one of them cypher locked, turn right, and hide behind a pillar at the end of the building, whilst peaking around the corner of said pillar, I can see her. How am i supposed to work under these conditions of blatant flaunting of womanhood and womanly virtue doing all the gardening type things that i am not good at. It's a travesty. I only wish company's still had complaints departments so that i could complain, and thus get some righteous satisfaction.

Alas they don't, so I shall soldier on, but I can tell you my mind is not on the job. Hang on, my mind is on the job.

Australia's Asparagus and Cow Pea Shame

2007-07-25T14:33:00.000+09:30

According to nationmaster.com, Australia is ranked last in the world in terms of Asparagus and Cow Pea exports to the USA as well as rice production per capita. This my friends is a travesty. So as you ponder the coming Federal Election, be sure to contact your local member and ask what he/she is doing for the downtrodden Asparagus and Cow Pea farmers, and why the much vaunted Free Trade Agreements with the USA have not addressed this appalling ranking.

The fact that we have no asparagus and cow pea industries to speak of should be ignored entirely, what if there were a Cow Pea and or asparagus famine (think Irish potato famine here), how would all the yuppie asparagus eater and dread locked haired Byron Bay Commune living hippie survive. You have to choose your battles people, and I have chosen this one. Whose with me?

Don't Demonise Mugabe: Kaunda the Poet

2007-07-25T10:11:00.000+09:30

Is Kenneth Kaunda nuts or what. Don't demonise Mugabe my arse, call a spade a spade. How can someone sensitive enough to write a poem in Blair's honour turn out to be such a horse's arse. Not that Blair inspired poetry is necessarily a sign of goodness.

Via bbc.co.uk

Now, let me reveal that when Blair was elected British prime minister, I wrote a poem in his favour, called "A Star Is Born To Us." Indeed, his feelings for Africa have been very good.

Mugabe's regime has been widely condemned in the West Leaders in the West say Robert Mugabe is a demon, that he has destroyed Zimbabwe and he must be gotten rid of - but this demonising is made by people who may not understand what Robert Gabriel Mugabe and his fellow freedom fighters went through, says former Zambian President Kenneth Kaunda.
--
Point of order, he's not being demonised for what he went through 27 years ago, he's being demonised for what he is doing now. In fact he's not being demonised enough, we keep giving the political equivalent of a pat on the back by allowing Zimbabwe to be a member of the United Nations Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission. Can anyone tell me just where the Irony stops and the Farce starts.
--
At the talks, the people of Zimbabwe were assured that they were going to be independent the following year, 1980. But that wonderful news was conditional. The new government of Zimbabwe was not to deal with land issues but was to "leave that in the hands of the British government".

Mugabe was a long-time opponent of Ian Smith. Nationalists from Zimbabwe accepted this rather harsh and complicated condition.

The Thatcher government had begun to deal with the land issue, as did her successor, John Major. But when Tony Blair took over in 1997, I understand that some young lady in charge of colonial issues within that government simply dropped doing anything about it.
--
Hey Skeezit, if you're gonna sprinkle a few facts in, at least complete the story. The land distribution was indeed left in the hands of the British, who proceeded to purchase the farms from the white farmers on a willing buyer-willing seller basis, and passing them onto the government for redistribution. This was working well, until the British government realised the land was not being redistributed, but was being given to government ministers, with no interest in farming, who proceeded to use prime farmland as weekend retreats. In other words the common man was not benefiting, and in this situation it made more economic sense to leave the farms in the hands of white farmers who at least were farming the land, providing jobs and a input into the economy. And i suppose a bloke in the pub told you about the "some young lady in charge of colonial issues" dropping the land distribution thing.

Let's also recall that in the referendum by the Zimbabwe government on whether the land should be reclaimed, the Zimbabwean people voted no to forcibly taking the land from white farmers. The Zimbabwean Government went ahead and started taking the land anyway.

Any good news article should end with a prayer, and KK does not disappoint:

It is also my humble prayer that South African President Thabo Mbeki and his regional colleagues will meet Robert Gabriel Mugabe, who will be ready in his soul, mind, and body to respond to the advice they give him and the people of Zimbabwe
--

Not liking the odds of the "Right Honourable Comrade Robert Gabriel Mugabe" being ready in his soul, mind and body to respond to advice. Even if he is named after one of the Archangels.

As The Attorney Said To The Witness ...

2007-07-25T09:14:00.001+09:30

___________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
______________ __ _______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

_______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______ _____ _______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
WIT NESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Flying Pterodactyl Like Roo Sought for Modelling Job

2007-07-24T12:16:00.000+09:30

Qantas releases it's new logo, and the crowd goes wild, with one commentator quite hilariously saying it is more "Pterodactyl, than flying Kangaroo". Which in my mind is quite justifiable since i am certain that the designer's had a lot of trouble finding a mythical "Flying Kangaroo" to model it on.

... initial reactions suggest the logo changes will be less than enthusiastically received. Ron Dyer, who with Tony Lunn introduced the wingless kangaroo in 1984, was speechless when shown the new design by The Australian yesterday.

New design "a waste of money"

Mr Dyer questioned why Qantas would waste up to $100 million changing the logo on its fleet for what he described as an inelegant design. "Jesus Christ, there is nothing stylish about that kangaroo whatsoever," he said. "If you only knew how long it took us to get that whole thing worked originally. (To see a real elegant, and stylish roo, visit this link)

So in other words the money spent by Qantas to get Mr Dyer and co to re-design the logo in 1984 was somehow more justifiable than the money spent this time.

Ken Cato, who tweaked the Lunn-Dyer design for the airline's 75th anniversary in 1995, described the big-foot logo as ugly.

Mr Cato said he would have liked to have seen the return of the winged kangaroo – an image he said that had mystical qualities.

I suppose a logo that is both mythical and mystical has to be better than one that is merely mythical. If it was mystical the money spent would be justifiable.

Well I for one, am impressed. I Like it.

'Losing sight of Planet Earth'

2007-07-22T23:11:00.000+09:30

via news.bbc.co.uk

A key US space agency (Nasa) satellite important for detecting hurricanes and providing other climate data will go silent in the next few years, and missions to replace it have been cancelled or delayed.

So, any predictions on how long it will take for Carbonista's to state this is nothing more than another plot by the US government to deny the rest of the world accurate data with which to predict global warming.

Weekly Horrorscope by A Guy Called Nostrildamus

2007-07-22T21:50:00.000+09:30

Monday 23 July 07

This week Al (my scientists are better than your scientists) Gore will once again continue his crusade to take global warming to the masses, whilst steadfastly refusing to debate the issue with anyone who both disagrees with him, and has a greater than primary school education. His point being it's so obvious even a primary school kids understand it (why else are the kiddies having global warming nightmares), hence debate will be limited to pre-schoolers.

Recent predictions that petrol prices are expected to drop to close to a dollar a litre will be dismissed as a pre-election stunt by John Howard. How John Howard is supposed to control fuel prices will not be explained, after all, why ruin a good story facts.

A major newspaper will publish an article implying that John Howard should do more to reduce fuel prices, possibly by reducing fuel taxes. The rationale will be that the Aussie Battler can no longer afford to run his or her car. This same newspaper will publish an article bemoaning Australia's dependence on fossil fuels in light of global warming stating that we need to increase usage of public transport. No irony will detected in either article.

Thousands of disappointed Australians will spend Monday and Tuesday morning trying to locate Japan on a World map in light of Japan knocking Australia out of Asian Cup. Even more Australians will state that we are not even Asian anyway, and it's not as if it's the World Cup in which case we would have tried harder. These same Australians have no idea who Australian would have faced in the semi finals had it defeated Japan.

On Monday I will ring my dad again to make sure he is aware that Collingwood defeated Essendon in the AFL on the weekend.

Should a Federal Election be called this week, as with the previous Federal election, all Liberal supporter will go into hiding in secret bunkers meaning it will be impossible to find anyone willing to admit they intend to vote Liberal.

This week, Galloping Morgan will publish a survey stating that Kevin Rudd's brother being forced to resign as a member of the Labor party has had no effect on the member of the opposition's preferred prime minister standing. The survey will not indicate what John Howard's position on Rudd's brother donating to the Liberal/National Coalition is.

Al Gore will once again state that he has no intention to run for US president in 2008 whilst refusing to categorically rule out running for president. He will continue to spend a few minutes each day practising his, "I know i said i wouldn't but the situation is too dire speech." Al Gore supporters, due to insanely high levels of gullibility present in their blood stream will be genuinely surprised when he does announce he is running.

As soon as Australia's east and southern coast start to warm up, indicating the onset of Spring, every newspaper will publish dire global warming heatwave predictions. This will indicate that Climate Change (who stood in for global warming during the coldest winter in living memory)has left the building and Global Warming is in the house.

--
Collingwood will defeat whichever team they are playing.
--
Having forgotten who El Nino was whilst Global Warming/Climate change was in the house, Australians will start to re-acquaint themselves with him, just in time to wave goodbye to this foreign weather. Aussies will once again be too preoccupied with Global Warming to get acquainted with La Nina.

No Cute furry animals were harmed in producing this horrorscope.

I Met a Snake Last Night.

2007-07-20T08:31:00.000+09:30

Went to the pub last night for a couple of beers. I was home by 10.20 pm, so that makes it alright. Anyway, after my regulation 2.5 beers I went home. Not before I met a girl, whose name escapes me, but whom we shall call Sally. (A friend, Maria introduced us shortly before I left).

Anyway Sally is a performer. More specifically, a dancer. And for those who want more information, she dances with a snake. Which leads to the question, what on earth do you say to a girl who dances with a snake. Anyway, she and Maria were discussing what they were going to do at next years Adelaide Fringe Festival. Apparently the plan is to have one of them recite poetry whilst the other dances with a snake.

It truly is, a wonderful, wonderful world.

Oh, and apparently Sally and the snake are going on the road shortly, they plan to hit Darwin whilst we freeze in a very unsnakeworthy Adelaide Winter. And another oh, if you've ever lain awake at night wondering what an engineer and a snake dancer could possibly talk about on a Thursday night in a pub, well wonder no more. I felt that whatever artistic contribution I could make into the art of woman dancing with snake might be very easily misunderstood, so I went home, hence the 2.5 rather than 3.0 beers consumed. Besides it was a school night.

Desal plant construction to start this month

2007-07-19T11:17:00.000+09:30

Finally someone has had the cojones to make a decision on this whole we need to safeguard our water supplies issue.

CONSTRUCTION of Sydney's desalination plant will begin within a fortnight after the NSW government officially signed the contract.

Leighton Holdings and its joint venture partner, water services company Veolia Water, were awarded the $1.76 billion contract to design, build, operate and maintain the plant at Kurnell in Sydney's south for 20 years.

Although i admit that i see some troubled times ahead. How long do we reckon it is gonna be til people start complaining about the colossal waste of money, you know now that we have had a couple of weeks of rain.

There had been no decision to delay or abandon the plant despite recent strong rainfall in Sydney catchment areas which have boosted dam levels to above 60 per cent capacity, he said. We are past the point of no return,'' Mr Iemma told reporters.

95% Emissions Cuts Required.

2007-07-19T07:48:00.000+09:30

Well don't know about you guys, but i think we have officially reached the end times. In fact I am now officially in the hunt for a cave to live in. Because if the information contained here is true, we are all doomed. Apparently Australia needs to reduce it's green house emissions by 95% in order to avert global warming. Makes me wish i was a member of the Federal Government, so i could make my ridiculing official, but alas i am not.

I thought I'd found one but alas it was sold for 100,000 pounds, what could have been better, a cave which has been described thus:

The cottage in Sladd Lane has no electricity or water supply but boasts a front door, windows and fireplaces, as well as a pantry, sitting room and a bedroom.

No electricity or water, can't get more Carbon Neutral than that. The benefit of this of course is that once the Carbon Apocalypse becomes official I can Jeer at Carbonistas with less foresight than me from the behind the safety of my caves front door. The other benefit being that when asked if i was born in a cave i could retort, "No. But I live in one"

Global Warming now world's most boring topic: report

2007-07-19T07:40:00.000+09:30

It's in a survey (so it must be true), commissioned by a think tank (so it must be true), and is in The Age Newspaper (so it must be true), don't know about you folks, but I'm sold.

Via Tim Blair, originally on theage.com web page, here

Global warming and the debate over whether man-made carbon gas emissions are having a detrimental influence on climate change has been ranked as the most boring topic of conversation on earth, according to a new report.

The issue of global warming far out-performed other contenders for the title, such as the production of goat cheese, the musical genius of the artist formerly known as P Diddy and media speculation over the likely outcome of the upcoming federal election.

Other key findings of the survey were:

* 89 per cent wanted to know how it was possible for humans to control the climate, given that they have enough trouble forecasting it;

* 96 per cent believe those who use the term "climate change denial" are attempting to equate it with "Holocaust denial";

* 100 per cent of these respondents also believe such people should receive lengthy prison terms for crimes against the English language;

* 79 per cent of the bands that took part in the Live Earth event did so because they feared the planet would be destroyed by global warming before they had a chance to receive free worldwide television exposure;

* 87 per cent only tuned in to watch the lead singer from Sneaky Sound System, who is hot;

* 92 per cent of those same people watched her on mute because they didn't want to hear that song again;

I think the most important factor to remember here is that the girl, Connie from Sneaky Sound System is definitely hot. This is the way it has to be, the wise man wisely said, and since we know she is hot, the rest of the survey must be true.

Haneef Police Interview Transcript

2007-07-18T14:07:00.000+09:30

Not sure when we started doing it, but the Haneef Police interview Transcript is available for downloading from The Age Newspaper. I am up to page ten of about 142, and I can tell you it is scintillating reading. Right now we have ascertained that:

He had the right to remain silent.
He had the right to an attorney (Waived).
He had the right to call his consulate (he did).
He is from India.
Has a nickname.
He was provided a bed to sleep at 2:53 am as he was tired whilst enquiries continued.
We Aussies have difficulty with Indian names.
Whichever Idiot put this document on the Internet included Dr Haneef's Mobile number, which i shall not repeat.

Don't know about you, but I'm on the edge of my seat. For those who require instant gratification from the swift arm of the law, I can confirm this, up til page ten, I have no idea whether he is guilty, but fear not, "enquiries are continuing". Anyway back to page 11, where where are confirming for the umpteenth time, and Dr Haneef is agreeing for the umpteenth time that he realises that he is eligible for legal representation.

Update: Just contacted the age, they are going to look at the issue of mobile numbers and e-mail addresses being made available on their web page. As any good superhero would say, looks like my work here is done, and perhaps i have left the world a better place to live in.

Update II: Haneef needs a new lawyer. His current one just admitted leaking the police transcripts of his interview to the media, which i have no problem with, but i would have thought he would removed personal details like mobile telephone numbers, e-mail addresses, and home addresses.

The ability of apparently intelligent people to do stoopid things never ceases to amaze me.

haneef chat

Some Light Reading for the Sleep Deprived

2007-07-18T12:38:00.000+09:30

One of my workmates was doing some work related research on google, thank goodness someone else is doing this vital research, and thank further goodness that i am not working on the same task he is. Just goes to show there is a lot of goodness in the world after all.

Thermonuclear supernova simulations with stochastic ignition

W. Schmidt and J. C. Niemeyer
Lehrstuhl f¨ur Astronomie, Institut f¨ur Theoretische Physik und Astrophysik,
Universit¨at W¨urzburg, Am Hubland, D-97074 W¨urzburg, Germany
Received / Accepted

Abstract. We apply an ad hoc model for dynamical ignition in three-dimensional numerical simulations of thermonuclear supernovae assuming pure deflagrations. The model makes use of the statistical description of temperature fluctuations in the pre-supernova core proposed by Wunsch & Woosley (2004). Randomness in time is implemented by means of a Poisson process.

We are able to vary the explosion energy and nucleosynthesis depending on the free parameter of the model which controls the rapidity of the ignition process. However, beyond a certain threshold, the strength of the explosion saturates and the outcome appears to be robust with respect to number of ignitions. In the most energetic explosions, we find about 0.75M_ of iron
group elements. Other than in simulations with simultaneous multi-spot ignition, the amount of unburned carbon and oxygen at radial velocities of a few 103 km/s tends to be reduced for an ever increasing number of ignition events and, accordingly, more pronounced layering results.

Fear of a global 'coldening'

2007-07-17T12:41:00.000+09:30

Note, while i would like to claim responsibility for the following article, alas i can't the entire thing was copied off the news.com.au webpage here.

By Tim Blair
July 14, 2007 12:00am

LAST month Australians endured our coldest June since 1950. Imagine that; all those trillions of tonnes of evil carbon we've horked up into the atmosphere over six decades of rampant industrialisation, and we're still getting the same icy weather we got during the Cold War.

Not that June should be presented as evidence that global warming isn't happening, or that we're causing it. Relying on such a tiny sample would be unscientific and wrong, even if it involves an entire freakin' continent's weather patterns throughout the course of a whole month, for Christ's sake.

No such foolishness will be indulged in here.
Sadly, those who believe in global warming - and who would compel us also to believe - aren't similarly constrained. A few hot days are all they ever need to get the global warming bandwagon rolling; evidently it's solar powered. Here, for example, is an Australian Associated Press report on May's weather, which in places was a little warmer than usual:

---

Anyway, read the full article at the Telegraph webpage, here.

Was gonna gratuitoutsly stick the boot in to my good friend Michelle at this point about the weather sometimes being just, well you know the weather, and a drought just a drought, but alas, I am too much of a gentlemen for that.

Hamas TV: Get them While They're Young!

2007-07-17T12:21:00.000+09:30

Get them while they’re young.

A simple mantra known by fast food, sporting shoes, toy companies and drug dealers all around the world. Once you’ve got them hooked on your product you’re officially on the gravy train. And if you can get them while they’re young, all the better. And now the extremists are getting in on the act. I have always thought that given the fullness of time, we would eventually see an end to the whole Israeli, Palestinian, Hamas, Fatah shemozzle. Hey, I knowmthe whole UK IRA thing was probably very different to the Middle East, but at least there we seem to have reached some sort of agreement. So can a middle ground be reached between Israel Hamas? If I were a betting man, I would say not. Why, well read on.

Imagine your kid is watching Sesame Street and he sees Big Bird and Cookie Monster get into a vicious argument, which ends when the demented chocolate-chip addict bashes Big Bird's brains out with a baseball bat.

Palestinian parents may have a clue. On Friday, Hamas-affiliated al-Aksa TV broadcast the finale of a children's show starring a big rodent mascot called "Farfour" -- a dead-ringer for Mickey Mouse except that he preaches jihad instead of wooing Minnie. When Farfour's show, The Pioneers of Tomorrow, premiered earlier this year, the cuddly star declared that he and his audience were "placing together the cornerstone for the ruling of the world by an Islamic leadership."

Last week, The Pioneers of Tomorrow ended its run in style. In Friday's final episode, we see Farfour's dying grandfather (who is human, for some reason) entrust the mouse with the deed to his pre-1948 land holdings in Tel Aviv. When Farfour tries to reclaim his land from the "filth of the criminal, plundering Jews," an Israeli government worker pummels him to death -- at which point, the show's teenage presenter declares that Farfour had been "martyred" by "the killers of children."

Now I am pretty sure that if anything close to that happened on Sesame Street, or my personal childhood favourite, “The Muppet Show” we would have some seriously disturbed children around, and if I had kids, I would be banning them from watching it no matter how many cool action figures McDonalds came up with. So what was the reaction of the kiddies to the Martyrdom of Farfour?

Anyway, Farfour's unfortunate real estate deal was still under way when the show cut to its teenage girl co-host, who announced Farfour had been martyred while defending his land; 72 virgins for Farfour. A young female viewer phoned in. "We don't like the Jews because they are dogs!" she railed. "We will fight them! They killed Farfour!"

Anyway, now that Farfour the Jew Hating mouse has been killed off, we won’t have to worry about any more of that indoctrination type propaganda right. Wrong, Farfour has been replaced by none other than “Nahoul the Bee” who “During the Hamas TV show, "Pioneers of Tomorrow,"..... pledges to "take revenge upon the enemies of Allah, the killer of the prophets and of the innocent children."

In an early episode Nahoul further said "I want to be in every episode with you on the Pioneers of Tomorrow show, just like Farfour. I want to continue in the path of Farfour – the path of Islam, of heroism, of martyrdom, and of the mujahideen. Me and my friends will follow in the footsteps of Farfour. We will take revenge upon the enemies of Allah, the killer of the prophets and of the innocent children, until we liberate Al-Aqsa from their impurity. We place our trust in Allah."

So, any sunny predictions for an end to hostilities in the Middle East in our lifetimes, don't know about you, but i am predicting an extended period of alarming, saddening and shocking headlines on both sides of that fence for a long time yet.

Wife Wanted: Help Sought

2007-07-17T09:57:00.000+09:30

Proudly showed my parents my new web log the other day, thinking they would be proud of me. Well apparently it was more like a cat bringing a dead bird home and leaving it on the back door. My mum’s only comment; “Get a Wife”. Since the last thing I want to do is disappoint mummsy, I am going to start on online, “my mummy wants me to get married” competition to see if I can get lucky in the wife department, as I would not want to disappoint mummsy.

My friend Cath reckons “My suggestion is that you should do what any self-respecting single 30 something male should do.........contact ACA or Today Tonight and tell your story to the masses! It has worked for the lonely farmer boys in the midst of their female drought out west so why not your good self?!?!?”

Although I am not sure how much credence I should give to the advice of a friend that reckons I should not allowed to go clothes shopping on my own.

Look out for the survey, asking what the best way to find a wife in the information age. Oh, and feel free to provide sample questions related to the possible ways i could find a wife. I am thinking

Get drunk in Las Vegas and wake up next to my betrothed.
Online dating.
Russian Bride.
Old fashioned get to know someone;
Up the duff.

And whatever other examples you guys can come up with.

Terrorism by Association - What Would Buffy Do?

2007-07-17T09:12:00.000+09:30

So Dr Mohammed Haneef’s Visa has been revoked. Well I for one smell a rat. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for defeating terrorism, especially in my own back yard. But I must say that I am a bit suspicious that the only thing they could get him on is the fact that he aided and abetted a terrorist by supplying them with a mobile phone SIM card before he departed Europe for Australia. In cases like this, I like to ask myself “What Would Buffy Do?”, but since Buffy is all about fighting Vampires, and not terrorists I guess I am going to have to field that question myself.

So, “What would I do?”

Image lifted from the “Nine Network” Via theage.com.au

Let’s assume for a minute that I am, to pick a profession at random, an engineer, on holiday in the UK, and that I have a prepaid SIM card for the duration of my stay. Let’s further assume that when I leave, I have 20 pounds of credit left. I could throw it away. Or I could give it to a bloke down the pub on a Friday night for a couple of pints of the drink that cheers, or most likely to a family member. Let’s further assume that the aforementioned bloke down the pub or as it might be family member gets involved in some serious terrorism, I’d be mightily pissed off if I got done for aiding and abetting terrorism, based on the SIM card. Yes it is more likely that a family member would know that the person he was giving the SIM card to was involved in some seriously bad terrorism, but going back to the old “What would I do” way of thinking, I know there is a lot of stuff that I do that my family would not have a clue about.

The fact that it took so many Federal Police extensions to his detention (without charge whilst evidence was gathered) has me a wee bit suspicious that we may not have the strongest case against him. The fact that after gathering all that evidence, the AFP had to have his VISA revoked in order to get him legally detained makes me even more suspicious. I only hope that we actually have a strong case, and that the AFP are trying not so show how strong a hand they have regards getting a conviction, you know because of continuing investigations overseas.

I especially liked this quote from Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews:

“Haneef had failed a character test by associating with people allegedly involved in terrorism, and that the decision was based on advice from the Australian Federal Police. I reasonably suspect that Dr Haneef has had or had an association with persons involved in criminal conduct, namely terrorism,”

I can understand refusing to award a VISA to someone because they have some bad ass family members who are involved in terrorism (Since a country does not need to give a reason why it denies someone access, and in the case of a VISA application “Guilt by association is enough"), but cancelling a VISA in this manner, where the other legal avenues have failed, seems to be grasping at straws.

More info on the doctor here, here, here and here.

You make up your mind, because since I have not made up mine yet, I can’t be of any help, unless you pay me, then I will very helpfully tell you whatever you want to hear, and for the right amount, actually make it sound plausible.
--
haneef chat

Roller Disco

2007-07-16T20:55:00.000+09:30

Went to a roller disco on the weekend. Wasn't part of my original plan, but hey, half price tickets (normally $25) and the possible, nay probable spectacle of alcohol fueled bravado, on roller skates/blades no less, and well i was well sold.

Did i wear roller blades/skates, i think not. I prefer to be in full control of my faculties when i make a fool of myself. All in all a good time was had, and i would probably go again. It's not often you get to see a 60 year old grey beard in roller skates, jeans folded up to his knees, chambray shirt, with the bottom buttons undone and a nice big knot tied. Yeah that's what i call a spectacle alright.

Pictures to follow.

After Tax Synergy Sought!

2007-07-13T12:29:00.000+09:30

Just got one of my group certificates. I only wish it had arrived last Saturday, which was the 7/7/7, apparently a pretty auspicious date. You know the date that Eva Longoria got married; I guess that would have made it pretty auspicious. Anyway, the amount of tax withheld contains the three digits 777 in sequence, among other digits the value of which I would not dream of boring you with. Now all I have to do is wait for my other one, and then it’s howdy doodie, give me back my tax time, not sure I can spend it any wiser than our government, but I sure as hell plan to have a lot of fun trying.
--
In other finance news, Rio Tinto has made a $44 Billion dollar bid for Alcan. Apparently the bid “will also generate after-tax synergies of around $600 million per year.” I guess I am not the only cashed up person this side of the arse end of the world. If I can make it through the weekend with my potential tax return intact (it exists in potentia since I have not received it), I might throw in a bid myself, which should throw the business world Illuminati on their collective behinds. Although, come to think of it, I am not really sure I can handle the “months of speculation that another offer for Alcan could emerge, from parties including Rio Tinto”. Sometimes having money to spend is just too painful.

Anyway, what do you think of the synergy represented in the attached photo.

I reckon that pair both had a regrettable weekend on the turps shortly after receiving their tax return.

In other “Did I Just Say That News”

2007-07-13T10:43:00.000+09:30

So I am sitting at work, nice and early, bright eyed and

bushy tailed, Denim Jeans, dreadlocks hanging out cause its

Casual Friday. The Big Boss walks up, and says “Has your hair grown longer”. (It's about as long as Bob on the rights hair)

To which I reply, “No, I just have it out cause its casual Friday, don’t worry I'll tie it back if someone important walks in”.

I wonder what my current life expectancy in this role is?

Elton John Keeps Me Awake at Work

2007-07-13T07:37:00.000+09:30

Watched Sunrise on Channel Seven this morning, on the way to work, and they were talking about an interview one of then had with Sir Elton John. Apparently the interviewer had a great rapport with the Knighted one, and there was some almost PG rated innuendo when the bald one said they got along well didn’t they. To which the other one said something like, “Are you implying that because he is gay there is something going on” To which the bald one said something like “No, I meant in a purely platonic way”. And once again there was some PG rated agreement.

(As you can tell I watch Sunrise for the Hard Hitting Issues and not the personalities)

This all left me wondering, “Can two men have a Platonic Relationship?”, indeed can two women have a platonic relationship as defined in popular culture. I think of men as blokes, mates, dudes or friends irrespective of whether they are gay not.

These are the things that conspire to keep me awake at work.

Great Global Warming Swindle

2007-07-12T22:59:00.000+09:30

Just watched the Swindle. I was impressed, personally i put it on the same level as the "Inconvenient Truth" in that they are both political pieces designed to influence your opinion with a small dose of the facts but not nearly enough information to be taken conclusively. Both have flaws, but both taken on their own, if you are disinclined to do a bit of research on your own are probably sufficient to sway masses.
--
Based purely on those two pieces if i had to invest my bottom dollar, either way, I'd take a recess, get a beer and go out and party. In other words neither is nearly enough, I'd keep my money in my pocket or invest it at the pub, at least at the pub I'd have a greater confidence on what my return on investment would be. The challenge now is to find more information then try to infuriate Carbonistas on the weekend. I like to be the devil's advocate, some say the devil.
--
Great debate on the piece taking place at Timblair, and i guess (have not been there yet) at the ABC webpage.

Go to both, have a read, make up your own mind, or if you prefer, I can tell you what you should think. It's the work of but a moment, with the added bonus that if you pay me, I'll tell you whatever you want or need to believe.

Al Jazeera: Impressive in at Least One Respect

2007-07-12T19:01:00.000+09:30

Recently started reading Aljazeera after a long hiatus (always wanted to use that word), and i have to say in at least one way i am pleasantly surprised. They have a section titled "Conspiracy Theories". Not that i am a big conspiracy theory nut, but at least the term gives these theories the credit they are due. Why, because well, according to Wikipedia, that bastion of dubious knowledge to be trusted at your own risk a conspiracy theory is defined thusly:

A conspiracy theory is a theory that claims an event or series of events is the result of secret manipulations by two or more individuals or an organization, rather than the result of a single perpetrator or natural occurrence. Conspiracy theories often defy an official or dominant understanding of events, and proponents sometimes substitute zeal for logic.

The bit i like is at the end, substitute zeal for logic, and if you look at the conspiracy theories around that pretty much sums them up. An essential part of most conspiracy theories is the requirement to believe something, usually fantastical, on the basis of a logical grouping of facts that are based on no verifiable evidence. In this case verifiable meaning a bit more strength than "a mate used to go out with a girl who lived across from the man who picked the fruit that went to Cottees to make the cordial that i like best told me that ..."

Update:

Got my first comment today (12 July 07), and it was in response to this very post. Apparently Aljazeera is not Al Jazeera. It's a Conspiracy Theory, I reckon it was started by the "Anglo-American Coalition for the Annihilation of the Arabic Media System. It's enough to make me wish i had paid some money just so I could righteously demand it back. What is the world coming to, when as "Esmeralda Weatherwax" said "... sometimes things look more like things than things themselves"

Anonymous said...
You are reading the wrong web site. Al Jazeera site doesn't have any section called 'Conspiracy Theories.' You are probably reading aljazeera.com. That site has no links to the satellite TV station Al Jazeera, which operates websites in both Arabic (www.aljazeera.net) and English (http://english.aljazeera.net/) (note it's .NET, not .COM). Read more about it at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aljazeera.com

Count yourself lucky anonymous just exposed this serious trap for young players.

Councillor wants dolphin arch

2007-07-12T15:42:00.000+09:30

In other "I trust my politicians to spend my money wisely" news
--
TWO giant dolphins arching over Jetty Rd have been proposed as an "entry statement" to Glenelg. The dolphins would stand at the junction of Jetty Rd and Brighton Rd, suggests Holdfast Bay councillor Philip Crutchett. He estimates it will cost ratepayers about $100,000.
The gateway would be complemented by brass dolphins attached to rubbish bins in a similar fashion to Rundle Mall's famous pigs.
--
What sort of entry statement are giant dolphins attached to rubbish bins supposed to make? "Today is dolphin bin day perhaps!"
--
Mr Crutchett even suggested the arch could be adapted so dolphin flippers would support the road's tram wires. "I am keen for the entry statement to be forward-thinking and drive the City of Holdfast Bay's marketing themes," he says.

Mr Crutchett said his idea "would encourage the entry statement to be a must-see".
A new entry statement for the precinct was recommended by the Jetty Road Urban Design framework, adopted by the council in August last year.
--
So, what sort of exit statement do two giant dolphins attached to garbage bins make? Now if it was a giant CO2 molecule, that would be even more forward thinking, but perhaps it is too revolutionary.

The U.S. Black Propaganda Campaign Against Iran

2007-07-12T13:31:00.000+09:30

Apparently the US has been running a propaganda campaign in Iran, and this is causing some surprise and furor in the middle east. I guess the fact that it is covert has gotten some people in a Huff. You certainly know where you stand when someone yells "Death to America", or "Death to the Infidel" But this comment from an Aljazeera reader (go to the comments in the article) struck me as particularly intelligent.
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Shangeh from Oman
16/06/2007 12:47:42 PM

More power to those with intelligence
It is every persons right to use all available means to defeat his enemy. We may sit in our confotable lazy boy chairs manufuctured in the US and in between passing wind, find the time to complain how others are using their recources to their advantage Just because we do not know how to use our resources should not be the reason to blame others for being more capable...
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I like to think i am moderately intelligent, but lets be honest, sometimes it's nice to be able to blame someone else. In fact i am pretty sure the first rule with any screw up is to work out whether someone else can be blamed. When it comes to sticking the boot in if you need a scapegoat I recommend John Howard, he probably paid this guy, just to boost his image before the Aussie Election. You see, some people will believe anything.

The XXX-Rated Med School Teacher.

2007-07-12T12:16:00.000+09:30

From bbc.com
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Dr Carla Pugh makes an unusual shopping trip at the start of every academic year as she prepares teaching materials for her medical students - to porn emporia and toy shops.

Worried by the quality and anatomical accuracy of mannequins available for her students to practise on, Dr Pugh decided to take matters into her own hands and provide her own. "One model that was available for teaching the students had the rectum in the wrong place, in another the prostate was in the wrong position. "The penises that were available were made of Styrofoam and they were all the same.
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It's such a joy to find someone else, who like me, is dedicated to the pursuit of excellence in all things sexual, sorry Scientific. Describing some of her anatomically correct hybrid sex toy/kids toy inventions Dr Pugh had this to say:
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In each they have a fully formed anus and rectum. There are paper-thin sensors inside to measure a student's touch and send individual readings to an attached computer monitor...

"I had to go into porn shops and ask for lots of penises, all sizes, erect and not erect, circumcised and non-circumcised."
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Although to be honest i am not that dedicated, while i have a penis, I don't have a penis fetish, but will admit that i went to SEXPO in Sydney last year. It was um, educational.

Howard Gun Threat

2007-07-12T11:40:00.000+09:30

From adelaidenow.com

A MAN armed with a gun has been detained in Tasmania after he attempted to buy an airline ticket, saying he needed to visit Prime Minister John Howard.

The incident this morning came as Mr Howard toured northern Tasmania campaigning.
It is understood the man walked into Launceston Airport this morning and demanded a ticket to Sydney, saying he needed to visit Mr Howard.

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Thank god our fearless leader is safe, although it is entirely possible that the gun toting traveller just wanted a chat, and brought the gun purely to ensure he had the PMs attention. Anyone with a gun, in my general vicinity, whether talking to me or not generally has my fullest attention. Except for the police, I generally try to ignore them, cause I have found that dreadlocks tend to make you look suspicious in generally non-specific sort of way that gets the cops going "Wots this then" a lot.

When Carbonistas Attack - Live from an Adelaide Bunker

2007-07-12T09:26:00.000+09:30

You see, this is what I am talking about. How can a documentary cause so much angst, if you know it's a Swindle ignore it, but allow other people the freedom to be swindled. I personally can't wait to see the "Global Warming Swindle", kudos to the ABC for showing it, but idiots like these below get me worried.
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"The ABC has fallen into the trap of screening patent nonsense in a bid to prove how unbiased it has become,'' Senator Allison said in a statement. "The consensus of the world's most respected scientists is that climate change threatens our very existence. "This is not the time to be giving oxygen to those in denial and whose answer to crisis is to plunge their heads into the sand.''
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I would just like to pass on that after tonight, I shall likely be doing an “Anne Frank” or possibly “Salman Rushdie” because when the Carbonistas start denying “Denialists” Oxygen, I make myself scarce, as scarce as possible. Look out for the book, and consult my web log which will be updated from a secret location, deep in the basement of a local “Denialist” sympathiser I know. The Struggle goes on.

“I no longer believe my government!”

2007-07-11T21:57:00.000+09:30

from aljazeera.com

I no longer trust my government, after all the lies over Iraq War and the unanswered questions over the London bombings.
Sadly, I no longer believe a word my government says!
I am white, middle class. I am not radical, but I no longer trust my government, after all the lies over the illegal invasion of Iraq, after the unanswered questions over the London bombings, and in the U.S. over 9/11.

I on the other hand, am not white or radical (used to Rad though, does that count), but i guess i am middle class, but i still know enough not to simply believe my government. In spite of the apparent 2 out of three required to be credible, I do know not to believe everything any government says. Question everything, and then look for the answers, that's my motto.

I am not alone in this feeling of distress at no longer being able to believe what they tell us, and I am also beginning to doubt information being given by the BBC, which up until now has been a bastion of real journalism and balance. Our country is being taken over by corporations and our democracy is disappearing! We claim to be exporting democracy around the world, but we are loosing it in our own country!

i always think you should loose democracy into your own backyard before you export, at least then we can be sure it's Export quality. Disappearing democracy is a problem though, I better watch that Aussie election this year. We don't even have a president, we have a Prime Minister, can you imagine not voting for your own President. Probably, i guess since we share the same Queen. And you should hear her when she has one of her annus horibilis', last time i let her say grace. In fact i might not bother enrolling. While i do support democracy, i am a bit doubtful about whether it can be exported, but i salute you for loosing it in your backyard.

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We are heading towards a 'big brother' state, and we are being led there through fear and lies.

Have no fear, this is a job for "Undercover Brother" if we're gonna have a big brother state, it might as well be an "undercover big brother state" In my next life i think I'll come back white, so i can understand what's going on here.

Howard from United Kingdom

Outrage As Pope Endorses Catholicism

2007-07-11T20:45:00.000+09:30

From news.bbc.co.uk via Small Dead Animals

Vatican text angers Protestants

Pope Benedict has approved a new text asserting that Christian denominations outside Roman Catholicism are not true Churches in the full sense of the word.

...The document, issued by a Vatican watchdog, has been criticised as offensive by some Protestants.

Now not sure about you, but i am not quite sure where the outrage and surprise comes from. Since the pope is leader of the Catholic church, I would think there would be more outrage and surprise if he endorsed Judaism, or Hinduism as the one true faith. But then again i am just a non-believer. Where is the surprise here.

It's like a George Carlin Comedy sketch i remember about people who say "I have a friend who happens to be Black". He had a black father, a black mother, where is the surprise. It would be more of a surprise if he happened to be Swedish.

Giant 'corpse-eating' badgers terrorise Iraqi city

2007-07-11T19:21:00.000+09:30

According to news.com.au

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THE Iraqi port city of Basra, already prey to a nasty turf war between rival militia factions, has now been gripped by a scary rumour – giant badgers are stalking the streets by night, eating humans.
The animals were allegedly released into the area by British forces.
Local farmers have caught and killed several of the beasts, but this has done nothing to dispel the rumour.

Damned British forces, always knew they couldn't be trusted when it came to giant Corpse Eating Badgers. This only serves to complicate an already volatile situation since i doubt Badgers are native to Iraq. This is all so reminicent of the other animal that was getting lots of press at the start of the last gulf war. Flipper. We obviously haven't learn't what happens when you take an animal into a war zone.

Via Tim Blair

The US Navy's mine-clearing dolphins have been the surprise media stars of the Iraq war, but they have not exactly won over Australian divers working alongside them.
The polite way to express their scepticism about the mine-clearing skills of the dolphins is to question their reliability and cost efficiency, but there is another way to put it.
"Flipper's fucked, mate," was how one diver saw things yesterday.
"The dolphins have had all this amazing publicity, but as soon as they put one in the water it shot through. There's a war going on and Flipper goes AWOL.”

It's a strange world after all.

Vengence is Mine Inc.

2007-07-11T18:57:00.000+09:30

Had a meeting with a client the other day, about some work that I did for them that they would like changed. No problem I say, humility is after all my middle name, one of them anyway. But what I find slightly annoying is that I was doing their job for them. Admittedly I was only doing their work for them so that they could release a purchase order for us to do some more work, which would result in me getting paid. So I was not being totally selfless by doing the work, but the question needs to be raised. If I do your work for you, how many rights do you have to complain, and if in fact you find fault with my work, and they are minor faults (it is after all my work), and if those faults are because you did not tell me what you wanted, should not the onus be on you to make the corrections. Bearing in mind that the aforementioned corrections would take 45 minutes in Microsoft Word. Instead they came for a drive to our office and we had a pow wow for 45 minutes, before he went back so he could e-mail me what he wanted me to do. Admittedly the gentlemen who came over was not responsible for the task and has been thrown in the deep end on this one, but let that not detract from my righteous anger and furious calls for vengeance.

Which got me thinking. Where does a law abiding citizen go to get Vengeance in this world we live in. Someone needs to start "Vengeance is Mine inc" like in the "Tales of the Unexpected" story by Roald Dahl.

Justifiable Laziness

2007-07-11T18:53:00.000+09:30

In other “I have done something productive news” I set my Gym up the other night. Even gave the carpet a nice vacuum, removed all the clothes hangars (where I hang my wet washing on a rainy day), moved all my boxes of unpacked stuff to the shed, then set everything up so it was in the most ergonomically productive position possible. I then stood back and beheld all I had done. And I saw that it was good. I then spent the next two hours deciding whether I should have a work out that would deface the newly pristine environment of my gym room. I decided that the room deserved one night unsullied. And so I went to bed in the sure knowledge of a job well done. And this morning woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed. This in my book means I was justified in not having a work out. Completely justifiable laziness is okay in my books.

Transformers Worth Seeing?

2007-07-11T18:28:00.000+09:30

Went and saw the movie Transformers last week. If you like action by huge space robots, it had that in spades. If you like being lectured on humanity by giant space robot leader, unfortunately it had that too. If you want great acting, well it didn't have that. If you want a hot looking female love interest, well it had that. If you are a blogging geek whose worried why Bumblebee was not a VW, well they explained that. If you're a blogging geek who wanted an explaination of why Megatron did not transform into a huge canon, well they never explained that. If you're willing to suspend reality for a while, i recomend it. About the only thing missing was an appearance by The Metatron. You work that one out.

Overall worth seeing, even though you probably will gripe a while.